


The sadness of stones

by msarahv



Category: Days of Our Lives
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Suicide Attempt, protective Sonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-01-06 02:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 23,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msarahv/pseuds/msarahv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a sad story. Only read if you don't mind lots of angst and sadness...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I was running down to the beach. All around me, the dark cliffs disappeared in the fog, white traps awaiting for a bad step, for despair.  
  
I was running, and I didn't know where to go. My life was breaking like glass, pieces lying around and entering my feet.  
  
I couldn't see. The tears were distorting the landscape and I felt weak and defeated. I had lost. I would never be a man. I would never be an adult. It was too hard.  
  
I was running and I was alone. In the silence of the storm, the peace of the waves crashing the shore, the cold wind crashing against my chest, against my heart. But it couldn't break it, it was too late. I was lost. I had reached the end of all things. I slipped on the round seaweed-covered rocks, trembling and cursing.  
  
I screamed to the sea that I hated it. That I hated her. She didn't want me anymore. She had turned her lovely back, shook her head, let her earrings chimes softly and said "No. You don't. It's not true."  
  
I was empty and I was lost. I sat on the stony beach, shivering. There was nothing beyond. I hated him. I was alone.  
  
I stayed in the cold, surrounded by the white of the clouds, drowning in their humidity, in the bitterness invading my lungs. I was crying and it felt right, I could cry all I wanted now, he wouldn't know. She wouldn't see. It was all in vain.  
  
I was crying tears of blood that weren't. I was covered with salty water that came from my eyes and from the sea. It was raining, maybe.  
  
I looked at the sea and it didn't care for me, it crashed and gurgled, and splashed incessantly. I was trembling and I needed help and I couldn't ask for it. I wanted to disappear in that whiteness, in that fury. I yelled until I was sore. Until I hurt so much, I wanted it to be over.  
  
I looked at the cliffs above, so harsh and sloppy. Filled with holes to infinity. Would I have the courage to end it there? Should I walk up and run again and never stop?  
  
I saw her face, so beautiful, so young and flawless, my everything.  
  
I saw his eyes, dark and harsh, his hands on me, squeezing tight "No, don't be. You can't."  
  
I had run from him and looked for her. I had hoped and yet I knew. I closed my fists and bent my forehead on my knees. In the dark, in the dusk, I murmured "Mom..."

* * *

I was running in the fog, inhaling the cold invigorating air. I was laughing. The thunder was growling all around, trying to frighten me and I faced it, feeling strong and new.  
  
I had met many storms on many shores. I had been surrounded by lightning on the top of the world. I looked at the sky, at the waters, all filled with wild, rough, exuberant life and it felt good. I felt alive.  
  
I wanted to run as fast as the wind, I wanted to jump from one cliff to the next and even fly. I wanted to feel that way forever, free and young and untamed.  
  
Suddenly, the fog cleared and I saw him and I just stopped. Everything stopped. My legs. My eyes. My breath. My mind.  
  
It all came into focus. Clear eyes, like the sea. Ruffled blond hair, like the dry grass on top the cliff, swept by the wind. In a flash, on a face, a despair, an emotion, raw and final. Blinded and goal-less. Like a frightened foal, a lost dog... but a young man. Looking so frail, the wind might swept him away. Away on the sea.  
  
My mind started working again. I turned my head everywhere, looking for that vision, for that lost soul. But I couldn't see him. The wind was screaming with a human voice but it was an illusion. I ran on the edges of the cliffs, straining my eyes to see past the white mist.  
  
I gave up. I walked back to the car, feeling I had failed, that I had betrayed a life. I reached the road and saw a huge car with a woman in it. She was crying. Her hair was blond and her eyes were the colors of dawn. Who had I seen? Her brother or her son?

* * *

The dark was fighting the fog, the black of a starless night. I stood up and gathered my strength. I sent them peaceful thoughts to deal with it. I sent him forgiveness. I pictured her and I ran.  
  
"Stop!" The voice was sharp. It cut through my sadness, through my brain. My legs listened and tumbled. I started falling, like a pinball, bouncing on rocks, landing on bushes.  
  
I felt a hand, dragging me up, pulling me back to the warmth, to a chest that pressed against mine. My shoulders were covered by a coat, with a care that I didn't hope for anymore. Strong arms pressing, gently. A whisper "Hold on."  
  
I couldn't see anything and nor could he, but he led me. Out of the cliffs, far from the sea. On the path to my destiny, where she was waiting, her face set, her eyes like thunder. The real thunder had stopped. The wind was less strong. I didn't feel the cold anymore, I had been given warmth.  
  
I borrowed courage too from this unknown savior, that was crying for me. I looked into her eyes and I said "Take me. As I am. I won't change. I don't want to die. I need you to take me back."  
  
Her jaw was locked, her cheekbones sticking out. She didn't seem to know my life was in her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

“Please, Ma'am. Listen. He was jumping. I caught him but I'm not sure he won't go back. He's still there in his head.”

 

“Sonny?” How does she know me? Who is she? Who is he? His heart is beating behind my hands and I can't move or it will fall and shatter. He's recoiling under me. I can't save him.

 

I look at the woman and she says “You look like Justin. We're headed to meet him at my mother's summer house.” “Marlena?” She's my mother's friend. We're about to celebrate the new year with her, and her daughter and son-in-law are coming. And her kids. I thought small children. Is he her son? He fits in my arms and I don't want to let him go.

 

He's still looking at her and she's still looking at me. I want her to stop. I want her to answer him.

“Yes, I'm Sonny. We are expecting you there. I came here to run before the night. Your mother is cooking and so is mine. Where is your husband? And your kids?” She puts her hand on the car hood. Her rings are making the metal vibrate and sing. She looks at me, with pleading eyes “Take care of him, please. I can't. I have to think.”

 

And she goes back in her car. I'm shouting. He's yelling, well he's trying too. His voice is gone and I need him to calm down and follow me. “Come in my car. Your grandma's waiting for you. She'll help you.” I look in his eyes and he looks like he's drowning. He's passing in my arms, this fragile soul and there's nothing I can do...

 

I carry him to my car and open the door. There it is. My flask. There's not much whiskey left. Alex has used the car this summer. I know it's there but I never touched it. I have a bad history with whiskey. When I was in Scotland...

 

No time to think about that. I open the lid and his mouth. His head jerks back and he fights me. That's good, he's coming back. I force him to drink all that's left. He's coughing and spitting. I have to struggle not to let him leap and run back.

 

* * *

 

She's left. There's nothing. I'm disappearing and he won't let me. He's fighting for me and he says her name again. Marlena. Will she manage? Will she replace her. Will she reach to him?

 

I'm feeling my body again, and the alcohol is burning my throat. I try and stop him and he's hurting me. Why won't he let go? Who is he?The car door is open, so there's light. He's got brown hair and he's Justin's son. I trust Justin. Can I trust him?

 

I stop moving and his hands are soft again. He's pushing me inside, on the seats. I'm getting them wet. I shouldn't. I try to get out and he doesn't let me go. Why? Doesn't he know that my heart hurts? That I can't live like that anymore? That I'm too weak?

 

He's driving and I'm falling asleep. Where will we go? Will I wake up? I need to drink more, I need to forget. I need my Mommy.

 

* * *

 

“Dad! You're there?” A tall man wearing a very classy suit comes at the door. “Oh, you must be Sonny. I'm EJ, Sami's husband. You haven't seen another car on the way? I'm very worried...”

 

He will do. I don't know whose side he's on. I don't know what's the problem. But I send him in and ask him to come back. When he does, we carry him. He's heavy. He can't be, he's too frail. He'll break soon. “Are you crying Sonny?” Am I? We've reached a couch. His grandmother is there. She's embracing him, whispering to him. I can't move.

 

“Sonny, I was getting worried! You see EJ, it's not that late. I'm sure Sami and Will will show up!”

He turns to my mom and points to the couch “Will is here and he looks broken. What happened?” Why is he asking her? Oh, he's talking to me. He sounds pissed. What can I say?

 

“I saw her. She drove in her car, I don't know where to. She didn't want to speak to Will. She looked angry and sad.” EJ closes his eyes. My mom looks lost. I'm shivering.

 

The tub is small and old. It feels like heaven. I've been asked not to use too much water, Will will need it. But a little later. He's too cold now. The doctor on the phone said we must warm him up first. I come back in the room and he's still trembling. Marlena has her phone to her ear. She's nodding. I kneel down and take his socks off. Marlena frowns and tenses but then I take his feet in my hand and between my thigh, to warm them up slowly and she smiles.

 

The doctor says it's good, I have to go on. Bring him my own warmth, little by little. I cuddle against him, my stranger, my broken bird. His fingers are less cold now. Marlena goes in the back to prepare another bath.

 

EJ is talking on the phone. He sounds mighty pissed but he doesn't shout “He's your son Lucas! How could you reject him? He's between life and death now and it's your own damn fault.” Then he pinches his lips as he listen to his cell. “I don't know where she is. She doesn't pick up... Yes, you do that... I'll give you updates on Will...”

 

Will is in the bath now. My mom has fixed me a snack and a hot chocolate. Marlena comes for a minute, to make coffee for him. “Marlena, do you know what happened? What are they all fighting about?” She turns to me “He's gay.”

 

I look at Mom. We open our eyes in incomprehension. She loves me and so does Dad. They know it's a part of me and they think it's a good thing. They're proud. I'll protect him, I have too.


	3. Chapter 3

It's morning and the sun is barely visible outside. I'm sitting next to his bed. His face is almost transparent. His skin looks like thin silk paper. He's so beautiful, he must have been crafted. Or painted or sculpted. I brush his cheek. He doesn't wake up.  
  
I know he's fine, the doctor said so. Yet I worry. I remember his strength when he wanted to jump, when he resisted. And his frailty when he was faced with living again. I whisper his name "Will..."  
  
But he doesn't hear me.

 

* * *

 

I wake up and I don't know where I am. It's not my room. I turn my head and I recognize the window. I've been here before. In that bed. I move a little and it's hard because of the heap of covers and comforters I'm buried under. Are they trying to keep me prisoner? They don't need to. I won't run again. I'm not really better but I've be given love. By Marlena and by a stranger. I try and picture him. Or remember who he was. But my brain is weakened. I try and call but my voice is weak too. My body is failing me.  
  
There's a hand and an arm. I look up. That's him. The stranger. Sonny. He knows everyone. He's here with me. I sigh and he turns from the window. It hurts to see his face.

 

* * *

  
He's up. He looks bad now. Tensed. His smile is fake. But he's awake. I smile too. "How are you Will?" He opens his mouth and then he closes it. Maybe he still hasn't got his voice back. Or maybe it's a difficult question.  
  
He's sitting near the fire place. Marlena is nest to him with a book, one of her hand on his sleeve. I'm about to go grocery shopping. No news of Samantha yet. EJ has taken the children out. We are all lost. Dad has left to meet Lucas. He said he might be able to reach out to him as he has a gay son too.  
  
I haven't gone near him since the morning. He just sits there, with empty eyes. We give him space. If I close my eyes, I still see him. As he was yesterday. All that went through these very eyes. The despair, the gratitude, the hurt, the hope. I want all of it back. I want to get to know him and I can't because he's an empty shell.  
  
Mom looks at me as we go out. "You were really shaken. Your eyes don't sparkle anymore. My poor baby..." I don't need your compassion, Mom. He does. He's lost in a valley of shadows and we have to get him back. We have to get his parents here.

 

* * *

  
I look through the window. The horizon is pale blue above the sea line. It's quiet but it's not peaceful. It's empty. I'm empty. And I'm cold. There's a fire in the chimney. EJ has spent an hour to start it, so that I can sit by it. Why does he bother? He's got her. She loves him, but not me. He said things, he said it will get better. He means well. But his acceptance is not the same. He cannot wound me. He's not my Dad. My Dad has refused me the right to exist. Now I'm sitting, weak and empty and it's my fault. I shouldn't be like that. I should be happy and careless and preparing New Year's eve. I've failed them on and now everything is ruined.

 

* * *

  
I'm running again. The day is bright, the wind has stopped. I can see the landscape caressed by the light. The bushes were roughed up yesterday, but they're still there, survivors of all the passed storms, stubbornly living on the frontier between earth and sea.  
  
My eyes are puffed, my arm aches from carrying him, but the fresh, pure air is filling my lungs again and I feel hopeful for Will. Even if I don't know how to reach to him.  
  
The beach is different today. The water is clear and reflects the sun, the waves are lazy and quiet. I hop down the creak. Damn, those cliffs are high, what if he had fallen, what if I had failed? Just underneath his jumping point, the waters are rough, gurgling and splashing. I shiver.  
  
I see her on the path, her eyes in the vague, her head bent down. She has trouble walking but I don't hold my hand. When I see her, I see him. She's so beautiful. He looks exactly like her. How could she reject him? My knees are weak. This could have been me there, running toward nothingness.  
  
She passes by me, she's lost in her head. Should I leave her some space? It's very important that I do the right thing and I have no idea what it is. I could call Marlena or my father but what they do is crucial too. Will needs his grandmother next to him and focused and Justin needs to bring Lucas to reason.  
  
So it's my lot. I call her "Sami!" but she doesn't hear. I follow her to that same spot. I keep going there. Where my life changed. Where I got saddled with someone else's life. And yet what I remember is not the cliff but when I first saw him running ahead, on the path, his energy, his essence, hitting me in the guts.  
  
The stones on the beach are cold and sad. She's crying. Maybe, that's good. I can reach her. She doesn't know about me. I touch her shoulder and she jumps. "Oh, god! Oh, it's you... Oh my god, how is he?" She's full of energy too. A dark one. I can't do this. But I have to.


	4. Chapter 4

The house is made of dark wood. It's old and comfy. Marlena bought it with her husband before he left her. The façade is bare and intimidating but the inside is full of light and love. My façade is a smiling one and my inside is barren and cold.  
  
She's arranging flowers. White ones. She's put the mistletoe on the chimney's shelf. She'll hang it later. She tells me everything she does to distract me. It doesn't work but it's helpful. I feel connected to life, by a shred. She knows it. She knows me and yet she's outside.  
  
"Why didn't he wait? I told him to wait. So that I could be there with him." They're whispering very loudly, in the kitchen. I can hear every word. I agree. I should have waited. But Dad wanted to know and once I had told him and he couldn't deal, I needed to tell Mom, so that I could breathe again. Well...  
  
The door creaks and I turn again. I turn each time and it's never him. Is he trying to avoid me? He's young and gorgeous and I'm bringing him down. But when he's there, I feel less weak. I borrowed his warmth and now we're linked. I'm alive through him.  
  
It's not him.

 

* * *

  
  
EJ is at the door. Sami walks to him "Let's go. Where are the children?" "Go where?" "Away from here. Let him stay with Marlena. She'll be better at dealing with him than me, obviously..." EJ looks at me then back at her "The children aren't going anywhere without their big brother and neither am I. Will needs all the family he can around him after what happened. He's not my blood but I love him like a son and I won't let him sink. I'm disappointed in you, Sami, and afraid for the children we have together if you're ready to throw them under the train like that." She slaps him. I go inside.  
  
He turns to me and once again the time is slowing down and I feel strangely calm and at peace. Yet I'm carrying bad news. And Marlena isn't there. I walk to him and kneel down. It's awkward to hug him now. Yet he was against my heart before, so trusting. I want to find that again. His blond hair caresses my cheek like the wing of a small bird. He's not crying and that's worse.  
  
"I'm sorry." His posture changes. His chest sags. His arms are limb. He's a puppet and I can't find the strings. Ej comes in "Samantha has left, Will. She said she needs some time alone. I wish I could change her mind. Do you mind if your brother and sisters come to spend time with you or is it too much?" I don't think he's heard the last part. I hold him or he'll fall. I shook my head. EJ retreats.  
  
Marlena is crying on her desk. Dad has called. He needs more time with Lucas. Mom sighs "And once again, Sami Brady spoils everyone's fun. I'm so sorry Sonny, I'm sure you didn't picture this vacation like that. Poor, Will... I'm really happy you're not like that, honey." "Like what?" "He lacks confidence in himself. With Sami as a mom, I get why. She's completely screwed him over. It's sad that someone so young gets cut off at the roots like that." "He's not dead, Mom. Who says he won't be able to reconstruct himself? They are plenty people who go through much worse and turn out fine." She looks doubtful. I go see the kids. They don't really understand. They want to see Will. "He's sleeping, guys. Maybe tonight?"  
  
I like to look at him when he sleeps. He's like a kid himself. We take turns to sit next to him. We can't leave him unattended. I want to stay all the time but they won't let me.  
  
When he's up again, I start talking to him about my travels. I tell him anecdotes and describe the places but it's difficult. It doesn't matter, he's an easy public. He really listens at least. He even asks questions. His voice is so soft. I wonder how it will sound when it's healed?  
  
His touch is aerial. I want to kiss his hand. I want to sleep in his bed so that he feels protected. So that he stops trembling under the warm blanket I've wrapped around him. He's not fighting but he's so weak.

 

* * *

  
  
His voice is so nice. He's seen so much. I envy him. His parents, his freedom. He's sharing it, generously and I want more. I need a fountain of new life to drink from. He finishes and I look out the window. It's drizzling. It all grey and getting dark. I want my mommy back. I want her love, even if it's imperfect. I want her to give me back my reality. I want to exist, even as a shadow. I promise, I'll stay in a corner, I won't bother anyone. But I need myself back.  
  
I hate myself for being weak. I hate that the only thing this man here sees is this emptiness. I want to flirt, I want to touch his shoulder. He's gotten up and his spot is still warm. It hurts to see him go.  
  
I eat but the food has no taste. It's hard to swallow. I drink water to help and it makes me cough. Marlena looks at me with concern so I grin and it's worse.  
  
I take warm bathes but I'm still tensed. I saw my brother and sisters tonight. They've all hugged me and I know what I need now. A massage. But not from grandma. From Sonny. And I don't dare ask him.


	5. Chapter 5

If I wasn't broken, would he still hug me? Would he look at me like that? His eyes are my life line. They're soft and warm like dark velour. He's hurting for me. I need his hand on my head, like he does sometimes. I need to feel his skin.  
  
I touch his fingers and he doesn't move. He looks at me and I can see a question that he doesn't ask. "Can you...?" "Yes, Will?" ""No, nothing..."

 

* * *

  
I need to act. I can't let him slide away like that. I put my hand on his shoulder. He sighs. He's so tensed. Nothing helps. I press my thumb and circle my hand. The way he opens his eyes... He looks so afraid. I have to stop.  
  
I put my hand down, I put my heart in a little inside box, tidily, so that it won't bleed at the sight of him. I want to save him. I need him to be better. He's taken me hostage with his fragile, wounded eyes.  
  
What if it hadn't happen? What if I had met him in this house, all intact? If we could have stayed carefree and happy, would my soul moved when meeting him? Would have I gaped, would he have blushed? He's broken and I want him fixed.  
  
His fingers are on mine "Sonny, please, can you do it again?" "Do what?" Whisper, whisper, don't frighten him, don't send the bird away with a loud voice... "Your hand, it was... I needed that..."  
  
Slowly, slowly, don't scare him. He hides his eyes with relieved eyelids and I'm lost. I need their lights, the dreams they carry. There's a click. And another. Mom is coming with yarn and needles. I shoo her away. I don't want to answer to her frown, I have to do this. I feel her fight. She wants to be nice, she wants to help. But she senses I'm too much in. I'm falling down the cliff he didn't, to a sea of emotions.

 

* * *

  
  
How can I live anyway? How can I leave this place to nothing. They've disowned me. And the only thing that keeps me going, the one I cling too... He'll leave too. He has his own life, I'm nothing to him. He doesn't know his hand is the only one I can have on me. He doesn't know he's in my dreams, even when I don't sleep. My body betrays me. It should be for him to desire, I should be able to seduce him. How can I go on?  
  
The clock is wrong, it's not that late. Where is everyone? Why am I alone? My cell is ringing. Maybe there'll be an explanation. "Will?" "Dad?"  
  
"Will, I'm so sorry. I'm on my way, now. I'll take care of you, I promise. I take back everything. I'll make efforts, I swear."  
  
The tears that the sea had stolen, they're back, now. I feel the wrong hand on my shoulder. I shiver. "Will, they're going out tonight. I'll stay with you." Go away, Adrienne, leave me be. My father will be there and I don't need you. He'll be there tomorrow, He said so. With Justin, and you'll be less angry at me. I push her hand, it is cold and limp. She doesn't fight. She's not like him. "Will, come on, make an effort... You need someone to look after you." I push again. My voice is strained, and I'm wailing. "Mom!" It's Sonny's voice. They're whispering. Loudly "Don't be so forceful, can't you see he needs us to be really soft? If he doesn't want you here, I'll stay with him." "No, Sonny, that's enough! You don't owe him anything. He's Marlena's grandson. Let her stay with him. You deserve to have fun!" She's taking him away. I won't sleep tonight until he comes to see me again. EJ is there too. "It's all right, Sonny, listen to your mother." "Excuse-me? I will do my own choice, thank you very much!"  
  
He's so strong. I can't let him go. My dad will come and Sonny will leave. "Sonny, could you... stay?" "See? You guys all go out, I'll be at his side. Don't you event try to talk me out of it!"  
  
The couch is big and I disappear in it. He's too far. There are inches, way too many. The massage was so good, that's why I fell asleep. But now, I want something else. I felt his heart against mine when we first came in. He held me and warmed me up, on this couch. My body is warm now. But my heart is cold.  
  
His smile is a rose in my winter. I can't touch him but I can ask "Do you know why...?" His chin is a butterfly. He does know. "I am too, you know." I do know. The moment he first held me, I was sure.  
  
I move a little. Is he poking me? It's a needle. His mother's. It's cold and pointy like her, underneath her smiles. He is not like her. He's kind and honest and he only smiles when he means it. My hand is heavy. My arm is a coward. He is the sun.


	6. Chapter 6

We're on the couch again and this time I can't take his feet between my thighs. I can't hold him tight and shield him with my chest and arms. I'm aching for not allowing myself to touch his skin. It's as pure as light milk.  
  
"My Dad is coming tomorrow. He called." His voice is one of a child. I can't take advantage. I can't soil that skin. Those profound sea-colored eyes. I tap his knee "That's fantastic. I'm sure he'll come around. Many parents do. Whatever happens, I'll be there for you." I have forgotten to tap. My hand is flat on his leg. He doesn't flinch. His eyes are pure. I drown.

 

* * *

  
"Sonny?" "Yes?" His voice is a caress. "What do you like?" He takes his hand away. I shiver. He frowns and puts it back. "The mountains. The clear air and the sky. Climbing. Men..." He grins. I grin back, I try to. His hand goes from my thigh to my shoulder. "I like the way the light of the fire plays on blond hair." There's less distance now. His finger play with my locks. He's leaning. I can't breathe. I'm going to shatter in little pieces. I don't want to move, ever.  
  
"Sonny, I had a nightmare! Where is daddy? Where's mommy?" He releases my arm, I want to shout. Not at Syd. She's a cutie. It's my fault Mom isn't there. I'll go away. Syd and Johnny, they need their mother. I'll go with Dad and we'll paste the pieces of us back.  
  
Syd climbs on my lap "Dad says I must not bother you. Did I do something bad, are you angry at me?" She's a light in my tunnel. Sonny was touching me and she interrupted but I'm not mad. I feel tranquil. For the first time. She's frail in my arm and trustful. I'm still her brother, she still loves me. I look into her eyes and my heart is released of its prison.  
  
"I'm not feeling well, sweetie. But it's not your fault, it's mine." "No!" We both turn to Sonny. His voice is rough. He is the one who is mad. Syd recoils.

 

* * *

  
"I'm sorry Syd, I didn't mean to startle you. It is not your fault, it really isn't. But it's not Will either. It is no one's fault. It's just a complicated situation." Syd looks like a doll but she's tougher than me. She sits on the couch and asks "You mean it's a grown-up thing that I can only understand later?" No. It's something none of the grown-ups involved can make sense of.  
  
Sonny sighs. His face is always in movement. His emotions paint his face in all sort of shades and lights. "Actually, not. You see, your brother has discovered something about what he likes, what he is and it's new and frightening and you know how one acts weird, when they're scared?" "Oh, yeah! When Johnny sees a spider, he yells and runs everywhere!" ""And are you afraid of spiders?" "No. I think they're funny and I like when they walk on my hand, it tickles." "Well, the spider was born to be a spider, but some people are afraid of it, like Johnny, and other can accept it right away like you. In the same way, your mom is afraid of what Will is, even though it makes him sweet and funny. We just have to hope that she will conquer that fear." Syd's forehead wrinkles. She looks solemn. Then she asks, with a little voice, trembling like a feather "Mommies have fears too?" It feels good to laugh. But Sonny doesn't give up. Is he talking to her or to me? " The thing, is, Sydney, she will need to make an effort to get over that fear and it will take time, so in the meantime, you should give Will extra love."

 

* * *

  
They're asleep in each other's arms. I cover them with a blanket. Then I make some coffee for me. I hear everyone coming home. Marlena and Mom are arguing. "You don't have to stay, Adrienne. We can deal on our own." "It's not that, Marlena, I understand and I want to help, Will, I really do, but I have to think about Sonny. I don't think it's good for him to be here. He's young and..." And, I finish in my head, you're afraid I'll get attached to Will. Well, it's too late. It was too late the moment I first saw him. I'll have to fight her, stop her treating me like a child. I'll do it for Will. His recovery is more important than her need to feel she's being a good parent. She has been. She is. But I'm strong enough and he isn't, not yet.  
  
I don't want to deal with them now. I walk out in the night. The stars are switched on. I lean back against the back door and take a moment to breathe the cold air and lose myself in the bright canvas that the sky has woven. I think about Will. I don't want him to feel like he is a spider. But I can't go inside his head and turn the wheels the way I want them to. It's his path. I can only be there to be sure he doesn't fall again.


	7. Chapter 7

There's a storm outside and the stars have hidden. Only remains the faded light of the one that I'm protecting. He's back in his bed and he looks too small, abandoned by the heavens, so alone. I'm here but he doesn't know. My heart is beating fast somewhere beneath his hand. I don't move, his touch is ethereal. He's asleep and his arm is stretched outside the bed, searching me, searching my warmth. I don't move and I'm hurting. How will I go on? The lightning bolt's deafening screech splits me in two and I'm letting go.  
  
He's tossing and turning, the clamor is waking him up. I hold his hand, like a precious pearl in the valves of my palms. His eyes are open but does he see me? Does he know I cry for him and for me? He takes his arm back, he's looking around. I brush his hair and it's humid. The dreams he's fighting are making him sweat. He's mumbling. I lean and I hear "Dad?"

 

* * *

  
  
"He's not there, yet. It's too early. Go back to sleep." His voice is broken, the shells are falling on the mattress. He was holding my hand and I was afraid, I couldn't bear the swelling of my heart. But I hold it again, I touch his cheek and they're wet. He's so strong and now he's not. I yield. I can't weaken him.  
  
I sit as straight as I can. His eyes are opaque, curtained by the tears that I have caused. "Go away." He's frowning and I know why. He doesn't understand yet. I have to be strong. For a few minutes. For the eternity of being near him and never more. "It's OK, Will, I'll sleep later. Go back to sleep." No. No. "Go away. Leave." "It's OK Will. I'll stay. Lie back."  
  
I will never heal. I'll walk my life limping from the lack of him but I owe him that. Somewhere in me, I find the tone. It's icy like the raindrops of the winter's storm. The words line in my head and I regret them already. I look away, his face is too soft and his eyes are piercing my soul again. He must not know. "Leave this house, Sonny. I don't need you. Leave with your parents. I need my own family." The tumult in my head is louder than the noise of the thunder outside. I will be deaf with grief and he'll be free. From me and my illness. From my barren soul.

 

* * *

  
  
He's the one in need and I'm hurting. So much. I've failed him. He's locking himself in his tower of grief and I've lost the key. I can't fight, he's too weak. His body is a rock and the waves of my devotion are crashing around. I have to agree and I can't do it. Our fathers are coming in a few hours. Where will he be then? Lost in silence and loneliness or surrounded by maddening uproar? If I go now, he'll sink. He was getting better. I was reaching to him.  
  
I've lost. I reach for his hand for the last time. It's a trembling mouse under the covers. I press and I say without words my sorrow and my affection. I stand up and take a step and two and look at the bed. He's waiting, still uptight. He won't rest unless I obey. He's stronger than I thought. I walk on, stretching that link we shared until it snaps.  
  
If his father doesn't protect him, I'll kill him.

 

* * *

  
  
He's gone and I'm alone. My chest is hurting. I yell with the wind, so they don't hear me. He was flirting with me, maybe, and now I've lost him. The hours are so long. The sun never comes. Are every night unending? Has time stopped?  
  
I have no water left. My eyes are itching and arid. But I still have to get up. The bathroom is so far. I'm so tired. I'm whining. "Sonny..."  
  
The sink is cold. It's invading my bones. I hear my sister laugh around me. She was in my arms and the world made sense. What was I dreaming? Why did it make me reject him? Now I am the child and the noise is scaring me.  
  
The fireplace is empty and cold, like me. I've taken all the covers and I'm crouched on the couch, looking at the seconds as they pass by me. I thought I could do it but I need him. I need his strength, I need his smile and his bright words. I need an armor and I can't build it. The clock is broken. He left ages ago. Not fifteen mere minutes. I close my eyes and I'm back on the beach. The storm is the same, the hurt is still there. And I see him, as I passed him on the cliffs. I didn't notice but he was there. And he stopped and looked at me. Is it too late? Can I ask him again? Am I worth it?  
  
I need to sleep but if I do I'll miss him and he'll be gone. I don't know where he sleeps. I need to stay awake. I'll make some coffee.  
  
The cup falls and breaks in the kitchen sink. My hand is shaking. The coffee machine makes a hissing noise that echoes in my skull. It's stopped, thankfully. I take a glass, it will do. I need to stay awake, I need to talk to him, repair the trust we had. The night has confused me.  
  
I look down and there's a cup. It's smoking. I didn't fill it. There are lips on my temple and a whisper "I'm here."  
  
I don't drink the coffee. I fall asleep in his arms on the couch. I've told him "Don't go, don't leave me. Never go." and he's answered "I can't."


	8. Chapter 8

My head is burning. My chest is burning. I'm suffocating from the heat. I yank the covers and they slide on the floor. But I'm still against something warm. Someone. I look on the side. Sonny has quiet eyes. His lips are tranquil and slightly upturned and this serene smile is brushing my clouds away, revealing a clear sky, the same one I can see through the window. The fire is burning strong, a few feet away and as much as I love being in Sonny's arms, I need to go somewhere cooler. But I can't take him with me. We don't talk, we just look at each other and all makes sense. I belong there, in these arms, wrapped around me, bringing me solace. I'll bear the fire, I'll stay there on the couch as long as he does.

 

* * *

 

The wood has an ancient smell. He's awake and he hasn't stood up. His eyes aren't empty anymore. They are trembling with unsaid longing. The couch is our quiet tiny mountain, away from whatever might hurt him, a refuge for us only. The year is ending and I have lost my freedom, I have been tamed. The other mountains will stay untouched. I have found him, my survivor, my second heart and his journey will be mine, forever.  
  
Somewhere, in the house, someone is cooking. The noises are soft and repetitive. I hear kids shouting and running. Was he like them? Innocent and happy? Or was he born fragile, already, emotions on the verge of his lips, his heart too big for his chest?  
  
We don't move and the world is turning around us. I am the one in need now. Of his trust, of his secrets. Of all that's hidden in his head, the beautiful and the colorful, the dark and the gloom. I want to know him. So I lean and my lips press on his skin, softly. I kiss his forehead, not to frighten him. He closes his eyelashes, he sighs.  
  
"What is going on! Who is that? You let his boyfriend follow him here! Get out of my son this instant!" The man's voice is loud. His gestures are loud too. He catches my shirt and I let him. I hear his fear and his sorrow underneath the hard tone. He's like Will, he's loving too much and he doesn't know me. "Lucas, let him go. He's my son. He was comforting him. He's the one who saved him."

 

* * *

 

I'm still on the couch and it's sinking. Sonny's kiss has wings that lifted us in the sky and now I'm alone. Surrounded by people who care. They're arguing, they're explaining and I want quiet. I get up. I go to my room.  
  
The coat is too big and the boots are thin. There were my step-grandfather's, the one that broke Marlena's heart. The one who took away her strength, along with her soul. I open the little door by the woodshed and I step out. It's the first time I'm outside again. The landscape is unreal and breathtaking. The sound of the waves is friendly and timid. I walk up the road, to the top. Maybe they'll stop shouting, maybe, they'll notice. I don't care.  
  
The clouds are back and it drizzles. The droplets run down my exposed neck. I put the hood up and it's too big, I can't see. I go faster, I can hear the voice of the sea, calling me. When I've almost reached the edge of the cliff, I look around and I see it.  
  
I climb till I'm up in the sky and I take a step. The world is around me, endless, all in blue and grey. I'm calm. I'm on my own now, but I can cope. I feel the kiss on my skin still. I wanted to give one back, but my father was there. He didn't even talk to me. He lost himself in his anger and he forgot that's it's the problem. I will be kissed. By men. And no kiss will feel ever as profound and shattering than the ones I've just received. He won't know, he'll go away, kicked out by my dad or lured by more happy and tempting stuff. Other men who won't be broken. I belong to him and he doesn't know how much, or for how long.

 

* * *

 

"Will, Will? Where are you?" The sea doesn't answer. The rocks are silent. I have to find him. I have to tell him that his dad understands, that he's calmed down. We've talked and he promised so I went to Will's bed, to bring him back and he wasn't there. He was nowhere. The worry is too strong, my legs are betraying me. I follow the road, looking around the desolate plateau. Beneath, there's the sea, awaiting his sacrifice and I run again. The lighthouse is blocking my view. I go round it and I reach the end, the pit of my dreams newly formed. I hear his voice, loud and clear, from above.  
  
"Sonny, look up! I'm here, I'm fine! Come, join me, the view is so beautiful!" He's standing on the lighthouse platform, fifty feet from me. My heart overflows.

 

* * *

 

I hear his pace and I turn. He's gorgeous. I look away again and I point, anywhere, so he won't know how shaken I am to be near him. He had brought me calm this morning, now he's tearing my soul in two. He has something in his hand. He opens it. The umbrella is large and he comes nearer so that it protects us both.  
  
He says words and I don't hear them. Until he says "Dad" and now I do. He's waiting for me. He thinks we should stay, be a part of the new year celebration and also talk things out. He's told Sonny. He's waiting. I look at the sea again, to forget Sonny's mouth, how it moves when he talks. The sun is piercing the clouds, there's a ray of light and it's a sign. I'll go. I used to be afraid of heights, but now I'm afraid of me, of these feelings in my blood, of those urges to jump in his arms and steal his breath.  
  
He takes my hand as we go down the stairs. The rain has stopped and I take off my hood. He smiles. The road isn't lonely anymore. Somewhere, somehow, I've become a person again. I'll survive.


	9. Chapter 9

My dad is there. Ready to apologize. But he has failed once and now I see him differently. He has lost my loyalty. From now on, I'll question his words, always. I know he can be hurtful, I know he can be wrong. And it hurts. The ground has been swept from under my feet and I'm on my own, in front of that stranger I know so well and so little. Sonny has gone to the kitchen, leaving me with the sensation of his hand in mine and amongst the doubts and the fears, there is that little certainty, this anchor, linking me to my reality.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Will, for reacting so badly." "When? Today or when I told you I was gay?" He looks hurt. No, dad, you're not allowed to be, I'm the one in pain. I'm the one who jumped towards the forgiveness of the sea. With all her loudness and dangers, she was more welcoming than my own parents. I try and tell him that, express how much I needed him then and now, it's going to take me so much time to trust him again. His eyes are stupid, I want to shove him, I want him to hug me and swears everything will be all right. He doesn't know, he doesn't understand. I thought he would save me, repair me and he can't, he's as lost and as small as I am. He came here, he wants to help, but he'll have to make one more step. The mistletoe is hanging. I walk to it and I call Sonny.

 

* * *

  
  
He didn't jump this time. He conquered his fears. He stood tall and beautiful against the hell that is life and in it, he found the heavens. Now, I know he can face his father and win. I've left him near the chimney, so that its warmth can replace mine a little. I sit and Marlena brings me some toasts and coffee. She's still tensed so I tell her about this morning, how I didn't find Will but he found me, and now there is hope. "I'll talk to him later. I haven't tried, yet, not really. I was broken too, I think... Since my husband left, I have become a shadow, I have forgotten Will and his needs." I put my toast down "It's far from being too late. He has that energy in him, that purity that will drive him." She smiles. She opens her mouth but Will is calling me and I have to go.  
  
He's in the hallway, now, but he's taken the fire with him and it's burning in his eyes. His father is far from him, almost out of the window, he's afraid of his son. I calmed him down earlier but it wasn't enough. Will doesn't look at me but he takes my hand. I feel it tremble and he sighs but he's still angry. He points his finger upward and murmurs "Please." He shouts "It's tradition, dad!" and he kisses me. On the lips. And this time, I'm the one who is lost at sea. It's too short and it's too angry but under the dare, I feel his gratitude and his trust. "If you can't stand seeing that, dad, you'd better go. Because that's my future. That's my chance to be happy. With or without a father in my life."

 

* * *

  
  
Are they mad? I need dad to be, so that it shakes his disgust, so that he fights his fears. But if Sonny is upset, then I've lost after all. I let him go and I walk out. I sit on the cold ground, near the road. I can hear my brother and sisters, playing on the beach, far from me, in a world made of innocence and grace of which I'm no longer a part of. I hear a door and now the wrong person will come out. If it's Sonny, then I'm an orphan. If it's dad, then I'll have burnt another soul and made my heart a desolate landscape.  
  
But it's neither and I smile like the little kid I once was. My grandmother has sat next to me and her face is clear and clement. "My boy, I have forsaken you." "No, grandma, you were there all along. I had to walk the last steps on my own. I failed and I'm sorry, but now I've just kissed a man and this time it felt so wonderful." "Tell me more..."And we talk. About Sonny, the gem I found, in the depth of my despair, about my dad. But not about her. Not until she comes back. If she ever does.

 

* * *

  
  
I'm his. When he calls me, I'll come, if he puts me aside, I'll stay down. But if he wants, I'll offer him the world. I walk to the beach. Lucas is talking with EJ. My father has taken mom out with him earlier, thankfully. I see a kite dancing in front of the grey rocks, so small and so free. The children are drawing patterns of happiness on the sand. They're taming the wind, riding it with the red and green dragon, leaping and flapping in the sky. Johnny sees me and calls the others. He's racing inside. The girls sit me down and grin at me. Their giggling is contagious. The love I carry feels lighter. Johnny rushes back, he's holding a box.  
  
"We wanted to thank you for saving our brother. We heard dad say it and we thought we could give you a Christmas present even if it's not too late? Will you take it?"


	10. Chapter 10

"That's rich, EJ! You giving me fathering lessons!" "Of course! Because the fact that I fought with my own wife, for the sake for your son means nothing! He jumped, Lucas. He actually did, it wasn't just a threat. You have to choose, now between having a gay son or no son at all. He may try again or he may leave. I don't want Samantha to lose a son. I don't want Will to suffer uselessly!" "I do accept him now! I just don't want to see him kiss a man! I have my sensitivity too!" "So your daughter will be allowed to kiss in public but not Will?" I'm standing in the doorway. They are barking their rightfulness at each other and I want them to stop. I yell. They turn their head at the same time. In their eyes, I can see the caring but also the competition. The need to control. "Dad, I need to talk to you, now. And thank you EJ, for your support, but can you take a step back for a moment?"  
  
While I talk with dad, I can see the beach through the window. The children are still out there. I'm taking so much room. Their holidays are ruined, so are Sonny's. I have to make peace. For the New Year, for the party, for my family, for me. So I ask dad "Do you think I'm still your son?" I can' t pronounce the world. Love.

 

* * *

  
  
I walk back in with the kids. Is he still behind the house? Allie shouts "Dad!" and runs inside. I go to the kitchen. EJ takes his children in his arms and says "When you're grown-ups, you can love whoever you want. I'll still love you, you know that?" Johnny says "I love mommy!" In the jubilant atmosphere, I hear my name. It's a whisper but it echoes in my skull. I walk to the couch. Will is lying on it. His father is standing by the fire, his hand on the mantle. His breathing is heavy. "It's OK, you two can date. I'll manage." I didn't expect that. I wait for Will to explain he was just making a point. The silence is vociferous. Will's face is rigid with fear. What did he tell his dad exactly?

 

* * *

  
  
It slipped out my mouth earlier. Now they both now how I feel and I'm powerless against the tide of my life, bringing in someone, taking away another, on and on. Sonny's eyes are closed. I'll lose him, the melody that he brought in my heart. I can't look away. I feel like on a train heading for a crash, unable to jump.  
  
He's looking at dad, not at me. He's so beautiful, I don't want to listen to his kind words. I don't want to see his kind smile, that is not really for me. I lay my head and on the ceiling, there's a spider's web. The sun beam from the windows is passing through it, making it shine with tiny little diamonds of light. I remember what he said about spiders. About me being sweet.  
  
"Thank you Lucas. I intend to do that. If Will wants me, that is." My chest is open and overflowing. I can't move. I want to cry. His voice is different and doubtful. He doesn't know he has saved me from despair and now I will only die to save him.  
  
"Sonny, why are you still there? You should be packing! We're leaving soon." Of course. She's his mother and she knows I'm broken. She won't want me with him. She'll fight. I can't do that to him. "Go do that, Sonny. I don't want to make you waste your time. You don't have to be so nice for me. I'll explain dad what it really is."

 

* * *

  
  
I'm in my bedroom, my bag is open and I can't fill it. There's one shirt in it. The one I wore when I found him. When my heart betrayed me. He doesn't want me. He's just grateful... I'm not crying. I take the bag and throw it on the wall. It falls on the planks in a smooth heap.  
  
"You don't have to leave you know." I turn to dad. He looks tired. "It's hard, dad. I thought I was helping him and now I want him in my life but he isn't ready. Or maybe he'll never like me, not like that." "I've talked to your mother, Son. I told her that if you chose to stay, I would too. You need Will as much as he needs you." And I remember. How strong he was that night. He pushed me away, told me to go and he's doing it again. "Thanks dad, I'll stay. Can you help me with something?"

 

* * *

  
  
"I love you Will. I'm sorry I reacted that way." "It's OK, dad. I needed to know that." He's hugging me and I'm not better. His cell is ringing. "Sorry Will, it's very important I take this. I'll be back soon."  
  
Syd has taken her toy xylophone. I can hear her playing from here. She's gotten good at it. And always hitting the same note. I follow the sound outside. She isn't there. There is no instrument either. Just a wind chime hanging from the porch. The notes it's making are clear as water. They speak of hope and beauty. The metal shimmers and I can see him a few feet away. He's holding his hand "You want to go for a walk, Will? There's something I need to you to know."


	11. Chapter 11

I take his hand in mine. It nests in my palm, trusting me in its tactile way. I rub the back longingly. We start walking, two souls on the edge of merging, afraid and yet fearless when together. He kicks some pebbles on the way to the beach. His eyes are clouded and he walks erratically. His breath comes from unknown inner precipices, echoing deep struggles. I have to reach past those, let him know his worth.  
  
I sit on a rock. The seaweeds are wetting my pants but that way I can see his eyes, beneath his ruffled hair. They're shining.  
  
"Will, I needed to tell you... We've grown very close. But I do not know you. I would like to." His mouth opens, slightly. His throat moves beautifully. Now that he's whole again, I can see past the intensity, past the pain and there are clear skies in him, a purity that I've never seen in a grown-up before.

 

* * *

  
  
He was serious with my dad before. He does want to spend time with me, not just to help. I inhale all the oxygen around me, all the energy that I had lost and that he's giving me back. I don't know if I'll stutter but I have to answer. "You really want to? I am damaged you know, so very much."  
  
He presses my hand, kindly. "I've seen you fight, Will, I've seen your strength. I believe in you. I cannot step away, I couldn't live with myself." There's a thunder in his voice, louder than the one that rocked the sea, and a softness that I can't, that I won't resist. I nod. His eyes are hooking on mine and time stops passing.  
  
My body moves slowly. My head thinks slowly. My knee touch the sand. Slowly, I lean to his face. Slowly. But I cannot do it. I can't escape the shackle that grips my heart. The only strength I have left allows for one small thing. A whisper. "Spend the New year with me? Please?" His smile is the foundation for my new existence, one where I will be accepted, one where I will love.  
  
"Sonny, Will, I need to go and buy a few last things. You want to come with me? I could use the help and the company!" I'm inches from his lips and we both turn to the road. Marlena is waving. She's helping me get back to reality again. I look at Sonny. He nods. And I decide to be bold. I don't let go of his hand, even when we walk past my dad, seated in the front porch. I have chosen freedom, I have chosen Sonny.

 

* * *

  
  
The town is far and Marlena is quiet. We've sat at the back, his warmth close to my heart, his head on my shoulder. My lips are burning from the kiss I almost received. We haven't talked much. I don't know how to tell him what's in my heart. I want to know how he feels.  
  
We help pick up the groceries. Will goes to fetch some candles "I wanted to decorate the place as brightly as we could. Make the night special. I would love for you both to help me. You will be staying Sonny, won't you?" "Yes, thank you Marlena. I hope you'll be OK with me and Will dating?" "I don't have to be, you know. It's his decision, he's an adult and I respect that." I would have liked another answer but it will do. We reach the register and she murmurs just before Will comes back "In fact, I am delighted, Sonny. I hope things will work between you. You're a very compassionate young man." Will puts the colored little glasses down, along with cereal boxes. Marlena's face lighten. She pushes Will's arm, teasingly "Are you planning to eat those tonight?" Will looks at me briefly then replies "Yep. I've decided to do things that will make me happy, no matter what other people think. If you ask me very nicely, grandma, I might share my snacks."  
  
The porch is silent when we come back. I see mom holding the chime, frowning. "Mom, what are you doing?" "Oh, I just wonder where this came from, it's new. Don't you think it's too loud?" "No, mom, it's mine. It's a gift from Sami's kids. I like its sound, I'd like for everyone here to enjoy it too. Put it back, please." "Oh, come on, Sonny, don't be childish. I'm not sure Marlena agrees with that." "I do, actually, Adrienne. It's beautiful and it adds to the celebration mood I'd like to set up. Come in, why don't you help me cook? The boys can decorate." Mom looks up sharply but she smiles at her host and follows her.

 

* * *

  
  
"Your mother doesn't like me." He presses his lips. I wish he would deny it but I know better. Is she right or is he? I put two candles over the fireplace. One is white, the other is red. Sonny takes some flowers my grandma gave him and places them on the coffee table. He moves slowly and perfectly. He sits on the couch, the one that has welcomed us so many times and pats next to him. When I join, he says "She doesn't understand who you are. She thinks I should choose someone different. She's wrong. But it'll take time for her to change her mind. I'll need your forgiveness in the meantime. I'll need you to still give me a chance." I close my eyes and I kiss him. Finally.


	12. Chapter 12

His lips dance on mine, soft as the moonlight, but he has stolen the sunshine's heat to share it with me. The feelings that rise inside me are inflating me like a balloon. I am not the strongest one anymore, I can only receive, gratefully, letting him write his demure passion with his tongue as it caresses my mouth. He is so hesitant and trembling. Doesn't he know he's taking control of me? Doesn't he feel the weight of my heart in his delicate hands? He stops too soon and I can feel the hole he's carved in my soul, that only his touch can fill now.

 

* * *

  
  
He is a shivering leaf under my lips, accepting and yet to respectful he barely moves. I want him to be less protective and a little more aggressive, but I know, as it is etched in my body too, that what he witnessed before, the desolation, the pain that I went through, are still fresh in his mind. I sit back, his hand trapped in mine, that I will keep against the world and I look at this stranger that I want as mine.  
  
He's like a puzzle and I only have few pieces in my fingers. His loyalty, his kindness, his assertive manners. But I need more, I need to know what he dreams at night and what his eyes have beheld. I have tasted him but now I need much more. I need to ask him questions.

 

* * *

  
  
The world of business swarms around us, peopled with children zooming in and out, and efficient parents preparing the celebrations. And here we are, in the center, safe in a castle of water, in an abode created by our joint stares. We are seated as mirrors, legs crossed underneath, talking as fast as we can, in turns, fastening the bond that our bodies and hearts have created. The more we do, the more I'm amazed. He has so much to share, he is so rich inside. How could he ever had doubted himself? How could he have wanted to deny the world all what he is? I was so close never to know, never to find out, only to grieve. I feel like the guardian of a treasure, of ocean eyes and musical thoughts. I feel humbled by his enthusiasm. He quizzes me on the trips I took and I want to go back and show him all, see him feed on the world's wonders, repair his confidence by expanding his view. I feel greedy of time with him. His eyes are opening wide at what I'm telling. His hand presses my knee, gently, reminding us that this is not two friends emerging, but a sole identity, part me, part him, stronger that both of us, in which we'll find shelter.  
  
Lucas sits on the armchair, with a bowl of chips. Will sees him first and turns to him, slowly. His father looks embarrassed but smiling "So, Sonny, are you a student like Will?" I can feel the relief washing over Will, as it ripples through me too. We've won another parent. Now the mothers are left and they're the fiercest. Yet, with Will next to me, I'm confident.

 

* * *

  
  
We're asked to help and Sonny has to join in the kitchen. According to his dad, he's the best at cooking. I grab Marlena's arm and I don't let go until she's made me busy too. I'm back at her car, to look for something that must have slid at the back of the trunk. I'm bent over, my hand exploring and I've just found it when I hear "You'll take him down. He doesn't deserve it. He's a happy, bright young man and you're fighting your own life. How can you think this could work?"  
  
If I hadn't pushed him back, twice already, I might have listened, I might have doubted. I stand up straight and I look straight into her eyes. There's something of him in here. She created him, she cared after him. I'm grateful. And angry "Adrienne, I care for Sonny. I don't know him well enough to be sure of anything but for one thing: I won't hurt him. I can't, I owe him too much. But right now, if I left, if I tried to heal on my own without his help, then he would be hurt, horribly. He's my reason to check myself, to make efforts, to be extra careful. Thanks to you, he exists and I won't put that in jeopardy in any way. I'm sad you don't see that but I understand." Her smile is shallow but it's still there, so for now I have made my point.

 

* * *

  
  
He brings back the lost can of olives. His steps are lighter, faster. His voice is louder, I can hear it from where I'm seated and it feels good. It's still soft as velvet, the music that he loves so much peering into it, turning his simple words to his grandmother into a ballad. I'm yearning to kiss him but he's gone again, to take back the kids. They all come in the house, bringing the smells of the sea and the laughs they gathered there. Will looks younger and I remember that he's not my age, that I must be cautious in handling him, let him unfold slowly, into the beautiful, smiling adult that I can see in him. Our eyes meet and the smile gets wide and transparent, real and ethereal, as spontaneous as the old ones were forced and hollow. I have won this authenticity and I'm proud.


	13. Chapter 13

I am out and I am strong. I defy the sky. I feel my fears fade away, like the foam on the tip of the waves that I'm contemplating. In the dark, they are gleaming in the moonlight, filling my brand new heart with peace and wonder.  
  
He joins me outside, his footsteps are making my heart beat fast. I know it's him, even though I haven't turned and I hold out my hand behind me. His fingers, wrapping around mine, are soft, like a ribbon skimming over my skin. I can hardly breathe.  
  
His chin rests on my shoulder, completing me. I can feel my chest opening, as a violin inside me starts its melancholic melody. Then it's replaced by his voice and it's a compliment.

 

* * *

  
"You're so, so beautiful, Will. That's the first thing I thought when I saw you..." I don't finish the sentence, I want to focus on the good memories, I want to share all that I feel, all what I am with him, make him understand how my soul tremble when I'm near him, when I think of him. He's still, next to me, trusting with all his being. My hands meet at the front of his chest, making us both flinch. The desire is threatening my mental balance. I focus on the noise behind us, of clinking glasses and hearty laughs, to keep myself grounded. We are an inch from flying away in the star-filled sky above, discover ourselves and create the strongest link possible.  
  
So I hold on to him, taking in the warmth that he's found again and is giving back, silent and content. He's whispering, maybe, so softly I can't hear. Maybe he's just humming.  
  
"Mmmm? You're saying something?" He coughs. Then, his body turns around in my arms, so fast I can' react and his mouth is on mine. His kisses are feverish, turning my mind into mush.  
  
"When you hold me like that, I feel different, like my skin is burning. Even when I was down, it did. How are you ding this?" His nose is pressed on mine and I can't answer yet. My throat is as dry as chalk dust, my brain is shutting down.  
  
"Will, Sonny, it's time for dessert!" Marlena's voice is happy. We walk back inside, our hands molded in the other's. All eyes are on us, all of them kind, all of them relieved. Even Lucas looks grateful.

 

* * *

  
Everybody's shouting and even singing. Adrienne looks drunk. Justin is covered in streamers. Sonny is hugging his parents one after the other. The countdown is almost over and he's so far. Will he hold me in his arms again? My father pats my back. I am better. But I want her, there, with her husband, who's sitting near the fire, looking sad, strangling me in a hug, as she always does.  
  
"...Two, One, Zero!" He's moved so fast I didn't see him. He's kissing me and it's ten times the kiss I gave him this afternoon. It's turning my guts inside out and fills them with happy bubbles. I want it never to stop but our families want to talk to us. I hear "happy new year" and I think 'It's a new year and a new life. With Sonny in it.'  
  
EJ hugs me and I feel bad. His pocket vibrates as he does. He goes outside to take the phone call and I guess who it is. Sonny leads me to the couch and we cuddle there, his eyes bearing in mine. EJ comes back and hands me his cell "It's for you, William. Your mother has something to say." I feel Sonny's arm stiffen, but my stepdad looks calm and I grab the phone.

 

* * *

  
His face is a theater to many emotions. He's slid a little further, keeping the conversation private. I want to know. I want to shout. I wish I could stand up and go talk to dad, to keep my mind off all this, but Will needs me, he needs my finger scraping his. I keep a steely face but my heart is yelling.  
  
He hangs up and puts his hands on his lap. He's not happy anymore, his hair is hiding his eyes, like a curtain of rain. The silent is screaming as all the people in the room have stopped talking and all looking at him. I want to ask, I don't dare. He looks lost. He looks at me and his eyes are frantic.  
  
"She's outside. She wants me to go join her. I don't know what to do." EJ steps up. His voice is unkind "William, you must go and talk with her. She must be reasonable now and we all need to move on." I can see the guilt painting on his face. I get where EJ is coming from but it's not possible. Not like that, not in secret.  
  
"Can't she come in? We won't bite. Will needs us all to keep strong. Don't you see?" I shouldn't have said that. Not with that tone. Now we're all attacking and he can't stand it. I relinquish.  
  
I walk with him to the door, to the porch until we both spot her, hiding in the dark. I know she might have calmed down, but she can still hurt him. I've witnessed her intensity, her selfishness. He's mine now, to protect, to love. I can't let her hurt him again. Or I'll drown with him.

 

* * *

  
He wants to come. He's my knight but it's not a tale. And she's my mom. I have to do this alone, to stand my ground and regain her respect. I have given up on her love. Let her give it to my brother and sisters, they're too young to live what I did. I can do that, get her to move on and be back to her family. I kiss Sonny softly and I push him away gently. He sighs and walks inside.


	14. Chapter 14

The night is carrying rumors, circling around me. She is there, shivering in the cold because she's wearing a dress that has more holes than a swiss cheese. I stand silent, feeling dreary and exhausted. I won't be weak. I have a harbor, to sail back to, whatever happens. I'm untouchable.  
  
"Did you really jump?" "Yes. I trusted you and I trusted dad. I felt I didn't exist anymore." "So it's my fault, isn't it?" She moves towards the porch light. Her eyes are fierce. I can hear the reproach in my heads you're my burden, "You're so complicated, Will. I am not built to be the mother of someone like that. I'll have too much to look out for." "What do you mean?" Her hands are flying in the soft light, painting scenes "I don't want you to get sick. Or to throw your life away. You'll never know romance, you'll never love."  
  
I look at her and I get it. She wants to be in control, she wants me to turn out fine so that she can be looked out with admiration. She knows the power of romance. She's chased it for years, hurting people on the way, falling for empty promises. "Allow me mistakes, mom, allow me to grow up. You can't tell me who to be. I still love you, you know. But if I have to live without seeing you, so be it. I don't plan to sleep around, I have only kissed a random guy once and though it felt much better than any girl, I can't do more with someone I don't have feelings for. I won't make your mistakes." She pinches her lips. I know she won't apologize, ever. But she's listening, she knows me, she knows I'm telling the truth.

 

* * *

  
  
They walk in, both blond, both gorgeous, their hair contrasting with the dark of the night. He looks tensed but whole. She stops and looks at all the faces turned to her, judging her. She stays strong. That's who he gets it from, this stubbornness that brings me to my knees. Will walks to me and sits into my awaiting arms. His eyes are full of questions. I want him to ask them but not here, not now. Sami walks to her mother. I can almost see the waves of anger from one to the other and I take a decision. I take Will's hand and I pull him up.  
  
"Where are we going?" "To the attic. That's where I sleep." "Oh, OK, I have slept there in the past. I would have this year too, I guess..." He stops and I think we're picturing the same thing. Him untouched, laying on a bed a few feet from mine, chatting till 2 in the morning, chuckling. Instead, here we are, but I don't really regret it. All the turmoil, all the storm we've been through has stripped him to his chore and exposed his heart and that's what I fell in love with.  
  
We sit on the edge of my bed. Being there on our own, cuddled against each other, far from the others is something I want forever. I suddenly know what his questions must be and I know I will answer just that.

 

* * *

  
  
In his eyes, warm and so big they invade his face, I see the promise of spring, of a brighter tomorrow. "Sonny, how long do you want me? Do you want to just live the moment? I don't want just that, I want all. You can say no and still be my friend, my savior. Just tell me." He doesn't, he kisses me. His fingers explore the landscape of my face, putting a balm on my inner scars, quelling my doubts.  
  
Then, in a whisper, he says "I want you forever Will. I saw you near these cliffs and something in me died. And someone was born, who exists for and with you." I feel the tears but I don't have time for them, I want to kiss him so bad. His skin is soft and rough, his lips are mine for now. And maybe forever.  
  
We go back to say good night, well what's left of it. Sonny holds my hand and my dad flinches. Mom looks at us and she frowns. But she comes to me and kisses his cheek "Thank you Sonny, for saving my baby. I was too hurt to think or react that night and I owe you everything." He looks touched. I'm cautious.  
  
EJ might have stood up to her, his arm is around his shoulder now and he looks in a hurry to go to bed. Dad doesn't have a bed, so he'll be on the couch. I'll be in my bed, all alone, dreaming of Sonny and of the new year I'll get with him.

 

* * *

  
The powder of dreams is missing from my eyes. I am back in my mind to this moment we shared on this bed. When he joined his self in mine, not physically but so totally that I feel like my soul is invaded. I want to sleep, be rested tomorrow, to help him face his mother again. I remember his eyes, the journey they invite me too, the long arctic horizon that lies inside them. I reach to it, I find my dreams.  
  
My father is at the table and the coffee pot is steaming in the cold room. Soon, it'll be filled, soon it'll be warm and busy. We smile at each other. "I'm proud of you son." "Thank you dad." "You've shown your worth. But you've also showed your feelings. Do you love him?" "I think so. I know I barely know him, yet I feel serene and focused in his presence." Dad bites in a toast "That's an unusual statement for a relationship that has just begun. Be careful not to hurt him. I can feel he's still weak. But I think he'll be good for you. From what I see, he knows how to love better than anyone." We stop talking. Everything has been said. I am so thankful for his kindness and positive attitude. He certainly knows how to love. I think about mom, so protective, so cold and mean to him. I don't get her. I know Will is wounded, I'm walking in all this with my eyes open.  
  
He sits at the table and I can't stop smiling. He takes my hand under the table, he puts them on the table. He's not hiding and I love that he doesn't. We hear people arguing and we turn to the door. Sami and Justin are in the doorway.


	15. Chapter 15

"Justin, I know you, you're a smart, reasonable and compassionate man... Surely you understand my needs. I have to be on my own with my family. I'm sure my mother will agree with me and you should offer to leave instead of having her tell you so." "Sami, I hear what you are saying, but considering the circumstances, I am not sure Marlena thinks that removing us and leaving Will without the support our family can give him is such a good idea. I'd rather talk about this with her." "So, you will listen to her opinion before mine?" "This is her home, Sami and..." Justin is looking in Will's direction. He looks torn between helping him against his own mother and saying something unkind that might hurt Sami but also Will. I get up and pull Will's hand. "Hello, Sami, we'll leave you and dad to talk. Where are the kids?" "On the beach with EJ... No, Will, I want to talk to you! I'm sure Sonny can go on his own."  
  
I feel a sharp pain in my chest, as if my heart was aching. I don't want to let him alone with her, not this time. She might be back but she's still on the defensive. The sirens of the sea are still howling for him somewhere. He looks at me and he turns to her "Mom, I'm breathing again now you're back, but our relationship need to heal in a healthy way. Since I'm the one who was wounded, I'll call the shots." "Will, I am your mother!" "And you failed me..." He turns again and I see he's about to cry. I gesture a signal to my dad. Sami sees our pantomime, but before she can react, Justin has taken her elbow and is leading her to the living-room.  
  
I go open the window, to let him space to compose himself. The air is cold with the wind blowing hard and I see the ribbons pass by me. "Look Will, they're flying their kite again."  
  
Sydney holds a shell in her hand. It's a little broken but she looks at it as if it's a rare opal. Will helps her find others. They look so much alike, both spontaneous spirits, both fragile and precious.

 

* * *

  
  
Sonny is there, not far. He's helping Johnny pilot the kite against the gust of wind. If the kite is shredded, he'll be so sad. It's not important, and yet it is to this little boy. I look at the dragon, fierce and fiery, flapping noisily. It is an inch away from being torn but it's resisting. Like me.  
  
Syd lays down her treasure on the sand. We compose a drawing for mom to see later. She has her eyes, exactly. Sonny kneels next to us and starts gushing. Sydney is a fountain of joy. "Your brother and you make a great team, honey." She smiles at him like I can't, a smile only the sun could rival. But it's my hands he takes and my fingers he grazes. And his smile is almost as bright as her, if it weren't for the worry I can feel in it.  
  
EJ walks back to us. He looks happy "So, William, you should go talk to your mother now." "I will EJ, but later." He pinches his lip "I'd rather you go now." I feel Sony's hand clamp mine, but I'm the one who answers, I have to regain control "Thanks for your concern EJ, I'd rather she cools off first." "I talked to her a lot, yesterday. She'll make the effort, I'm sure." I look away, at the sea and its invisible depths "I don't want it to be an effort. I just want her to love me like before." EJ stops talking.  
  
The moment is over, we let EJ and the children behind. We walk on the shore till we can't see the house anymore. The rocks are slippery, like cold marble. Our legs mingle, our breathings are short. He falls into a puddle and I start laughing. I can't stop.

 

* * *

  
  
To see him laughing, I would conquer mountains. I would learn how to play the piano and play it badly. I would fall a thousand times. As long as he doesn't fall. I want this laugh, I want him. I get up and hold him tight. We kiss with an urgency, an ugliness, even, that frightens me. Will he survive it? Will I?  
  
My self-control is in pieces, while his is fully back. His hands are nervous and alert, moving in a spiral around my jacket. I might fall again. He pauses, to take a breath, but doesn't let me go and I feel as light and free as I did before we met. I have found my dreams in his embrace, my world to roam into in his eyes. Even now as they have dark blue waves of passion tainting them, they are pure and wonderful. I start kissing his nose, his eyelids, his chin. I drink his beauty to make it mine.  
  
My cell rings. Our bodies jerk and separate as I wriggle on my legs to keep standing. It's my mom. Lunch is ready and she can't find us. I tell him and we walk back to the road to stop slipping. He races me. I don't let him win. He bumps into me, hard, the vibrations reverberating inside of me. We have one last look before we go inside the house and it's as simple as a scribble on a notebook. It says 'Tonight.'


	16. Chapter 16

He's in my arm, like a rag doll all soft and limp. The heat from the fire in the chimney is burning my face but not his, as it's nestled in my neck. Sami has tried so many times to speak to him, I had to ask for EJ's help and he's managed to remind her of the other children's needs. Apparently, she's reading them a bedtime story and Will's quietness has started from there. He turns and looks at the flames, at the tapestries they create endlessly. He whispers "She's good at telling them, you know, the stories. She was making so many mistakes, but she never forgot. They must have missed her so much..." "Who?" "The kids. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born, not so early at least. I have wasted so many lives..."  
  
I thought he was better, I thought he had healed. But the darkness is still there, and as long as his mother will make him feel guilty, it won't go away. I want to scream my love, to help burn these doubts and lies to ashes. Instead, I brush his hair, my fingers tracing soft circles on his skull. I send waves of tranquility, hoping like hell that it will be enough.  
  
He looks sunburned, now, his pale skin is so red, like a mask of heat. He pivots on the couch, to face me and adds "But I like my life, even though it's imperfect. I still feel I have many things to offer. To the world... to you, maybe. Something other than my pain." I can't even answer. He's come like a comet in my life, turning it upside down and now I'm different and vulnerable. That is one of his gift, this weakness that I feel, that scorches even more than the heat.

 

* * *

  
  
He's silent and I wonder. My neck is burning up, maybe from the fire, maybe from his arms around me. I want to be his, to thank him for all he's done, to replace all that dark with light and beauty. The room is empty, but I don't want to stay any more minute. I don't want that dream to end.  
  
He lets me lead him to my bedroom. He's standing, strong and poised, like a mountain, the only one I can ever climb, that I can circle with my arms. But when I kiss him, with all the fever I feel in me, he starts moving. His gestures are slow but efficient and we are soon almost naked. The blanket welcomes us, hiding me from his gaze, allowing me to bare myself entirely. I take his hand and guide it to me. I feel it tremble, I see his eyes give up, but he doesn't stop. His smile is the first leaf in the book of my love life. If I can, I'll make him the sole character in it, until the end.

 

* * *

  
  
His body is like a harp, each string I stroke producing a different sound, a moan or a whine. I fell it blossom, under my fingers and I inhale his perfume, I savor his taste. I feel his nervousness and his arousal and both unite in a vibrancy that forbids me from going too far. I've felt his erection, that he's offered me with the innocence he doesn't realizes he possess, but I've moved away, not to overwhelm him. There are still boundaries I cannot cross, cliffs where I don't want to fall. I let my lips map him, make him melt. I search for that door in his head, that leads to his heart. I won't enter until he lets me in.

 

* * *

  
  
For the first time in my life, I feel adored. I am worshiped. I cannot continue hating myself when he's showing me how happy I make him feel. I am waiting for his intimate touch, for his invasion, but it doesn't come. "Sonny?" "Yes?" I love his voice, I can hear so much in it. I lose myself in its beauty for a moment. Then, I try again "What shall I do? What happens now?"  
  
And he doesn't answer. He stops and he stares and I sit on the mattress, to meet his eyes. I ask "Do you want to come inside me? I've dreamed about that for years now, and it was such a secret, I thought it would never happen." He's shaking. The words are stuck in his throat and he dislodges them slowly. "Will, I want to, it hurts me not to, but not tonight. Tonight is about you, about discovery. There are so many other things we can do first." He brushes my thigh with his little finger, curved like a coma, sending unbearable spasms throughout my body. He's right, I'm not ready for much more. But I don't know much. How can I ask?

 

* * *

  
  
His eyes are displaying his desire. I have found the door, and it's all blue. My hand moves back to his legs, I open them slightly. His eyelids are heavy, hiding his emotions but I can still feel them and they guide me. He's so beautiful and so bright. I switch the light off. All that's left are our bodies, our touch. His hands slide on my back, the tip of his nails grazing it slightly. I handle us both now and the pleasure is engulfing my thoughts, leaving only sounds and skin, up until he explodes, right here in my hand, coming with a high-pitched cry.  
  
I thank him with ghosts of exhausted kisses, and he laughs, his voice free of anguish, his muscles relaxed and grateful. I know we are both messy, both emptied, yet I don't want to leave the bed. I need to hear him say his pleasure, I need to tell him mine. Because we have connected on so many levels, I don't want to tear any of that. We have created something beautiful, something secret and precious. And I have to believe it will be strong enough to help us endure anything, to confront all the obstacles that are hiding around us, in this very house.  
  
And somehow I know we will.


	17. Chapter 17

All around me, there is warmth : the comforter, the thick bed sheets, his arm, and through the door, the light smell of the fire, all of it shielding me, making the moment even more intense. His eyes are searching mine, lazily. He's switched the light on again but he hasn't moved. He doesn't kiss me anymore, either. His chest goes up and down, like a frenzied clock. Mine does the same. I don't know what to hide, I don't know what to be honest about.

 

* * *

  
  
His eyes are clearer now. They're almost not blue anymore. They remind me of the quartz mineral on my father's office desk, with the color so light, it's like the fabric of dreams. He offers me a gallery of expressions, from bewildered to confused, to awed, to beaming. I'm taking photographs with my brain, making sure, I never forget this. I'm honored I was his first man, ever, I want to be his only one. We haven't done much, but I can still feel the bond we've woven, hard as steel. He doesn't speak and I wait.

 

* * *

  
  
There are no words in this moment. No poetry that can help describe what I feel. I hurt so much, I almost died and it was worth it. Every tear, every doubt. And I will do it again and much more. With him, if he still wants to. The storm is raging in my chest and I want to understand it. I brush his cheek and he tilts his head. I have named the feelings I think, but I should wait. I'm so new to him, I can't scare him away.

 

* * *

  
  
I feel the exhaustion wrapping around me. I have waited enough. We both need to know where we stand. I take his hand in mine, fingers soft and limb and I play with them while I say "That was fantastic." His eyes change again and turn into an ocean in which I drown forever. "I..." he can't say it. My insides are tight as I let him find the right wording. "Is it normal?" I sit up on the bed. I didn't expect that at all. "What are you talking about?"

 

* * *

  
  
I can hear the disappointment but I cannot do otherwise. He's taken my soul in the shell of his heart; But I have to be sure. "I meant, I've heard having sex is intense and it makes you feel strongly for someone even when there's nothing else and it fades away quickly. I don't know if what I'm feeling now is about that or if it's you and I'll only feel that way around you." He sighs, he moves on the bed and the springs creak a little. "I can't answer that. Do you want it to be the latter?" I nod.  
  
The kiss is long but it's weak. I see his eyelids ready to shut. "Good-night Sonny." "Good-night my Will. Just to say, I've been with other guys before and I've never felt anything like this." His voice falters.

 

* * *

  
  
I wake up to his smell. There's a hint of lemon in it. And something more intimate. His eyes are open, reflecting my soul, my truest mirror, the only one I'll ever need. In our cocoon of warmth, with his arms around my neck, like a pulsing, soft scarf, I feel a longing, so strong it hurts inside. To always wake up like that, to find these very eyes every morning, so pure, so heaven-like. I can't ask, not yet, maybe never. And my mother's disapproval is nothing compared to that fear that he might not want me anymore, once the sadness has subsided, once he's back to being careless and beautiful, surrounded by temptations.  
  
I let my heart be soothed by his touch, by his delicacy, by the adoration I can read in him. I'm selfish. He's gone through the last defenses, he's been broken. Whatever he decides later, I'll have helped him and that is all that matters. I love him, I'll be what he needs me to be.

 

* * *

  
  
My dad has asked for a walk, along the seaweed, on the shore. He looks at me as if I'm a child again, and it feels so weird. "Do you love him?" I can't answer that, I can't tell him before Sonny. I look down and he understands "Be careful, Will." "Careful of what?" "He might hurt you?" "Hurt me how? How much? I've gone through the pain of feeling I wasn't existing anymore. He's accepted me, he showed me I mattered, that I could be whole again." "Is that what you feel? Gratitude? It's not enough, Will?" "Enough for what? I'm eighteen, dad, not twenty-eight. I'm not getting married or even living with him." I don't add that I want to, so, so much. It won't happen, not so fast, so it doesn't matter. "So, what, you're doing this to piss us off? To shove it down our throat? I'm fine with you being gay, Will, but I expect you to act sensibly?" "Why? Because I have to be better than any of my parents? Who's to say it's a mistake, though? Sonny is respectful. I feel great when I'm around him. Let me try, dad. I have so much to fight again, so many people suffocating me. Don't be one of them. You're better than that."  
  
He sighs and pats my hand, and I know I've won.

 

* * *

  
  
I go up the staircase, to change into warmer and cleaner clothes. I walk to my bed. The suitcase is full. Mom is packing it, folding everything neatly. "Mom, what are you doing?" She doesn't even look up "We're leaving Sonny." "Mom, we've talked about this." She sighs "Sonny, must we really do this all the time? I've been patient, I've let you stayed. But now, it's settled. Marlena's voice sounded relieved when I told her I wanted to go." There's a typhoon in my chest, ready to strike. I breathe in a few times, to avoid the disaster. "When have I reverted to being a child? I've traveled the world, I've done my own things. You cannot tell me what I should do. Marlena wants me here." "She wants you to do what she isn't capable of. Take care of her sick grandson." I turn and leave the attic, to punch into a wall. The typhoon has turned against me. I hear her voice behind "Be more grown-up, Sonny. This is an infatuation. It won't last." "Yeahhh, like you and Dad, were?" "I beg your pardon?" "Did your families accept you? Did they try to push you apart?" "That's not the same thing!" "How is it not?" "I really loved your father. And he loved me. He still does. Has Will told you this would last?" "He did, yes. Before anything serious happened."  
  
I didn't take gloves with that revelation and she takes it hard. She throws the suitcase on the bed, all the clothing flowing around. "Then, stay! Let him hurt you and come back to us when you'll be burned and heartbroken. Nothing can come out right from these people. I'm done fighting." I don't follow her, my tongue tastes bitter. I've lost the peaceful state I got from this night. Maybe I'll never get it back.


	18. Chapter 18

I hear the engine first. Then I see the car screeching on the pathway's pebbles, surrounded by a white powdery cloud. It reaches the road, driving across my heart, leaving it to bleed. It's their car, the trunk filled with suitcases, fleeing from us, from me and the weight of my problems. She got to him.  
  
Dad looks at me and I hate how he looks. He's angry but he's also unkind, triumphant. I don't have anyone left. I can't even cry anymore, I can't run. The sea isn't calling anymore. He's healed me and then he left, without a good-bye. My legs go weak and I have to sit down.  
  
"What did you expect, Will? He's a guy, and they are all like that. You should know. I'm grateful he caught you, but you must listen to what I say. I know how people fail and hurt others." I forget to answer. I can't move, it's too exhausting. I had this great joy inside and now I'm swept away by a tide so violent my head has been emptied.  
  
There's a voice coming from the door. It sounds hurt and wearied "I'm sorry you think that way, Mr Horton. I hope in time, you will change your opinion of me. I would never leave without a good-bye."

 

* * *

 

I am strong, I can go on. She has to stop and I know I won't back down, even when I hear her say they're leaving, even when she grabs dad's wrist and he bites his lips.  
  
He comes back after a few minutes "I'm sorry, Sonny, but I think we ought to leave. I don't think you want her to attack Will directly and I'll have more chances of calming her down. I wish I could say good-bye to everyone, especially your new boyfriend. But I hope, in time, he'll be invited to dinner, who knows?" His eyes are soft and stressed at the same time.  
  
After the hug, I go sit on my bed. Will doesn't need to see me angry. He deserves more. I have to fight for the both of us to preserve him and his delicate heart, that is as beautiful and fragile as a flower garden. So I wait.  
  
I reach the front door and I see them, Lucas standing and looking down at Will whose knees are trembling and who sits on the bench. His hair is shining in the winter sun, his head hung low, his body coiling in itself. My chest is about to tear open but I hear Lucas and I understand, they think I left too. Will is hurt because of me and it's stupid and untrue but although I'm innocent, I still feel awful that I can do that to him. I've become his only constant, I can't fail him.  
  
He turns when he hears me talk. His eyes are still morsels of the sea but they're clouded. He's pressed against the wood, fearful, looking guilty. So I repeat it. I will as any times as needed "I wouldn't leave without a warning. I don't intend to leave at all, anyway, not without Will."

 

* * *

 

Why did I doubt? Where is this little voice coming from, agreeing with Dad? Maybe because I've been rejected, unwanted, betrayed already, so I know those who say they love me can change their minds. My parents have come back but they're still against me, against us. I feel his gaze on me, a laser reading my thoughts, clearing the myths that are clogging my conscience until all that's left is him.  
  
Dad goes in, grumbling under his breath. I can't bear it, this place, this people. Here I am loved, but I'm also under attack. I need air.  
  
"Sonny, would you...?" "Yes, Will?" I can feel his affection, but he also sounds down. I'm not the only one fighting. "Would you like to go dine out? They are great seafood restaurants. Marlena took me to most of them." He sighs and his smile is there, brighter than the starlight, lying heart-shaped shells on the bare beaches of my mind.

 

* * *

 

"Grandma, we're going out. Do you have a recommendation for a crab place? Unless you're allergic, Sonny?" I shake my head. He looks lighter. And determined for the first time. His hand is in mine, precious, demanding. I follow in silence. Marlena smiles at me, then at Will "Of course. I'll give you the address. This should cover it." Will takes a step back when she hands him the bills. I raise my hands "Thank you Marlena, but I'm paying." "No you're not, Sonny. I invited you." He sounds almost harsh. Marlena frowns and walks to him "Will, you might be a grown-up, but you're still my grandson and I want to spoil you. Take it as an extra Christmas present."  
  
He caves and we walk to the car. He sits and starts counting. His eyes are shining and he looks up. His voice is different, less intense, with a lingering humor "So, Sonny, you feel like trying lobster?"

 


	19. Chapter 19

It's a traditional restaurant, with a washed-out wooden exterior and unassuming waiters. They don't know him but he's won them over already, with his delicate manners and his sweetness. We get the better table and drinks on the house and he's looking through the window, eyes in the vague. I don't know what he's thinking, I don't want to make a mistake, take him off this lighter feelings he was in earlier. We're given the menus and he's back in the room with me.

 

* * *

 

"Lots of crabs." His tone is light. I focus. The place is packed and it feels strangely good. In the crowd, I'm only one amongst many, unimportant. There isn't drama, there isn't pain, it's just people having a meal, lazily.  
  
"Well, it's a seafood place, what did you expect?" "Didn't you mention lobster?" His eyes are shining. I smile "I did, it's on the next page, see? So, you want some?" "I don't know, it's expensive, but not very adventurous... What about jellyfish or octopus?" I fake gagging but he grins even more "I'm serious, in Asia, it's a delicacy. I'm sure you can find it in Asian restaurants." "Maybe, Son, but this is not one, so you'll have to restrict yourself." "OK, then, what do you recommend?" I want to have him for dinner, but I don't say it. "We could order two dishes that I like and then share them?" He nods. I don't order alcohol. I want to enjoy this night, make it matter. His lips hold promises, his hands are meticulous, when taking the shells away. I shiver and look away.

 

* * *

 

He's gone again, maybe on the moon that we can see through the window, big and pale, near the horizon. I put my hand on his and he smiles again. "It's a long time since I came here, you know. I was about that-kid-over-there's age and I'm sure I looked exactly like him, with itchy legs and quite bored... Johnny looks like that sometimes." He sounds carefree now. I dig in his plate and he fights me with his knife, then feeds me himself. His laugh is a clear river, trickling in the staircase to my heart. When I laugh too, he's beaming. "You look better like that, Sonny. I hated what your mother did to you. I'm certain she'll calm down. You're lucky to have a mother who loves you so much." "Sami loves you too." "Maybe..." "And I do too." He looks up. His eyes are two pieces of heaven. "You love me? You don't really know me, though." "In a way, I do. Not the details or the anecdotes or all of your tastes. But I know your character, your strength and needs. I've seen part of your soul and it's beautiful."  
  
I wait for his rebuttal. For his good-manners and fears to tell me he isn't and I prepare my arguments, my tone, to reach to him. But he doesn't fight.  
  
It's a metamorphosis. A flower opening its petals, letting them shimmer in the sunlight. He's happy. Thanks to me. I can hardly breathe.  
  
"I love you too."

 

* * *

 

He's so open to the world, transparent and seemingly never needing to lie. He's too strong for that. So I believe him. It was worth it, all of it. Just for that moment. I feel life exploding in my body, replacing the remains of the dry, painful sensations that led me to wanting it to stop.  
  
I look at the seaside. There's no beach there, but you can go for a walk still. I want to. With Sonny.  
  
He frowns. He doesn't like it when I look at the sea. I understand and I'm grateful but I want him to stop worrying. So I seduce him.

 

* * *

 

We're walking hand in hand and he's chuckling and giving me sideway glances, burning ones and I am burning indeed. It's cold and I wish I had one mitten, for my free hand, to even the warmth I feel in the occupied one. "You see, Sonny, that's the Northern Star!" I look up, then back at him "Have you ever seen Northern Lights, Will?" "No, have you?" "Yes, in Iceland. It was... unreal. As if I was watching a painting in movement... Being with you reminds me of it. The awe." His breathing is suddenly difficult and I wonder if he's ok. Then I'm overtaken by a storm.  
  
The passion he puts into it is greater than ever. It's not our first kiss and we've done more but it's the one after our confession. Mine was unfinished, so when I can, I pant "I love you, Will." and it's a fuel for his fire. His gestures are languid and fluid at the same time. He's a lynx, proud and on the prowl, playing with my senses, kissing down my neck. I like giving up, letting him be in charge. This evening is different. It's showing me he's not just broken, that he has vitality and humor (when he pretends to throw me in the bushes and stops just last minute.)

 

* * *

 

He's growling. I didn't expect that from him. He's so together and in control and respectful. I can't see his face well in the darkness of the fishing port, but there's something wild there and I shiver. And I like it.


	20. Chapter 20

As we walk back to the car, it starts raining, big fat drops helping me cool down a little. The water plays its piano on the top of the car, until the whole orchestra joins it, storm and thunder to mark the beat. Will's hand leaves my thigh and he looks lost in a soft dream as he drives "Syd's afraid of thunder. I never was. I've always liked seeing the weather be tormented and moody." He chuckles and adds softly "...like I can be I guess. I hated the rain that day on the beach..." His voice falters and I don't press it. But when he parks, I look into his eyes and I can see the lust and the uncertainty.

 

* * *

 

In my head, his words are racing back and forth. He loves me. That means he wants the long run, isn't it? What if it doesn't work, what if we break? Will I feel like I did the other day, will I try again? I should protect myself, maybe but Sonny deserves a try. He's seen me broken and angry, he's listened to my pain and he still wants. What if he were the one to break one day ? It's hard to imagine but I know he's not perfect, he can't be. And it's okay.  
  
Our last kiss was greedy, this one is slow and needy. If I could take his clothes now, I would. But my bed is more comfortable and more private than my grandma's car. So I pull him there, as quick as we can without slipping on the wet stones that lead to the door.

 

* * *

 

He's my orchid, slowly opening its petals without shame, and like last time I'm amazed that such beauty exits at all. I want to be gentle, brush his skin with reverence, worship him. But my hands can't help be a little rough, press the muscles in his arm as he's undressing me. My heart overflows with love and gratitude. For him offering himself, for life getting me to meet him. I'm given a gift without expecting it, one that I'll keep forever... as he'll have me.  
  
We didn't go too far yesterday and now I wonder which path to go. Pleasure him or melt with him as I so desperately feel drawn to ? I kiss him while I struggle with the thought and suddenly he rolls me over and lays his chest on mine until I can barely breathe. Partly because of the weight, partly because of how turned on I am. He invades my mouth and caress me, stroking and making me moan then he stops and begs "Help me come inside..." "Inside where?" "You..."  
  
And he does and it's perfect. He has to be led and explained things and he makes mistakes and has to try again many times and we laugh and I have to reassure him a lot. It's still perfect and I tell him. He laughs in the pillow, embarrassed and happy. This moment is when we are free. From our disappointing mothers, from his torments and my hurt at seeing him sad. It's an equinox, a perfect balance between light and darkness, a memory to hold onto for later when the storm comes back.  
  
It's barely morning. There's an arm around my waist, holding me tight. I grab his hand and turn to face him. He looks unbelievably young as if he'd been granted immortality. His mouth is half-open and I smile at the sight. He still is pale but now he doesn't look so frail. His skin is like ivory, now, over relaxed muscles. I kiss his forehead and listen to my stomach grumbling with its usual punctuality. I could wake him up but I just can't. He's too peaceful.

 

* * *

 

I struggle to open my eyelids. Is this the radio I hear ? There are voices speaking quietly, with a total absence of anger or drama. I feel like I'm floating, even though Sonny is no longer in the bed. Next time I'll ask him to wake me up when he does, so we can cuddle a little. I'll have to go back to college soon and I don't know when we'll be able to be together again, in the shelter of a bed.  
  
I hear a clang and EJ's voice as he passes my door. He must have made up with mom. She confided to me once that when she fell for him, the wealthy important EJ, who employs a full staff at home, actually prepared breakfast on his own and brought it to her in bed. Maybe it will put her in a good mood and I can talk to her again, have her listen and understand better.  
  
I stretch and toss in the sheets, telling my body to get up and join Sonny in the kitchen. If I do I can kiss him in the neck and make him laugh. I manage to sit up and am about to get out of bed when my door open.

 

* * *

 

"Thank you Sonny, for staying for Will. I appreciate it a lot. Will is not my biological son but he feels like one. Now that Sami has become reasonable and Lucas is there too, I'm sure he'll start healing." "I hope so EJ. I'll be as gentle as I can with him, I can promise you that." " Good. I have a question though. Do you intend to live in Salem soon? Last time I talked with Justin about you, he said you were traveling endlessly around the world. I find that a fabulous idea at your age but if you leave again, I don't know how he will take it."  
  
I finish pouring the coffee in the four mugs and place them on the two breakfast trays. EJ has asked me to be quiet about the fact he can't prepare any kind of meal but still wants to surprise his wife so I've helped.  
  
The words are out before I've gathered them all in my mind "I could enroll in Salem U for the semester. I'll be near him but also, I've missed my parents and after what happened, I need to mend my relationship with my mother." He nods "Well, if you need anything, just tell us and of course you are very welcome in my home." I smile. This attitude is the reason I baked the breakfast for him and Sami. He leaves as I finish laying the food on the other tray.  
  
There's a rainbow outside, that I want to show Will's siblings when they wake up. I wonder if Will knows it's our emblem. I'll ask him after, we have important things to discuss. I push the door open with my elbow and see him, still half-asleep on the bed. His eyes sparkle and he grins. And I'm lost, forever.


	21. Chapter 21

How do I measure my love for him? A month ago, I didn't know him. The wind brought me over and over to fragrant locations, adventurous meetings, breathtaking sights. It enriched me but it didn't make my skin tremble or my heart fly like that. His smile, when I tell him I'll live near him, is worth a thousand suns, a million stars in the dark of dust above the higher mountain tops. In this moment he looks new. Different. I want to kiss him but I have lost my way in his eyes. And I don't want to find it.

 

* * *

  
  
She's in the room and I forget how to breathe. Sonny is standing near the kitchen door, a million miles away. The ghosts of the past are fighting in my head. She's the only mother I have and I love her. I'm not her only child, does she love me? She has the profile of her warrior, one that would look like a delicate child and yet aim to kill.  
  
But Sonny sees her too and walks back to me. His embrace is a shield. She can't strike me now. "Hello, Sonny, thanks for breakfast!" Her smile takes me by surprise. What is going on? He laughs, like a mountain stream bouncing on mossy rocks "E.J. didn't fool you?" "He never did. But a man has his ego. It's the woman's job to..." She stops and her lips are hard again. I feel weary "Mom, don't tiptoe, please. It makes it worse." She sighs now "It's so complicated... I'm trying Will. I really am." "Are you trying to love me again? Is it so hard?" "What are you talking about?" She's screaming so much, I can feel Sonny's body twitch against my back. "Of course I love you Will! How could you think I'm a bad mother! But I can't support everything you do without question. I'm the adult." "I'm an adult too, mom. This is not a bad decision. This isn't a decision at all. I can't live any other way."

 

* * *

  
  
I want to share my wisdom, I want to help. But if I do, then Will has still lost. Sami's eyes meet mine. But she doesn't talk to me, just looks, intensely. The same color, the same shape as his, yet without the softness. I stare back. She looks perplexed for a second, then walks past us.  
  
The rain has started to fall, discreetly at first, but now it's much heavier. The sound is soothing and I let my mind wander as I watch Will's sibling run around and climb the couch to play with the cushions. We're sitting on the thick carpet, sometimes offering alternative climbing areas, like knees and backs. Marlena has taken her daughter and her husband out to shop. Will is pensive. I hear his whisper "They would have missed me." "They would have..." He pauses. "I could live just for them." My heart turns so cold, I can feel the icicles in my chest "Can't you live for you?" There's a look of wonder in his eyes. He kisses me and says "One day, maybe. Until then, I can live for you too. If I can make you happy, I'll have a purpose." "You do, Will."

 

* * *

  
  
An earthquake is shaking my soul, through and through. His words are echoing in my skull. Could I be important enough? Can I exist without my parent's approval? I try picturing myself but it's hard. A mirror is worthless. Unless it's Sonny's cornea. It does reflect me but I can also read his feelings as he watches me. There's a parade of awe, concern, happiness and a hint of distress. I want the last one to melt away. To do that, I have to learn how to breathe even when they yell.  
  
Lunch time is fake but we are all here, at the same time. It's a small victory. I decide to seize the moment "So, Sonny is going to attend Salem U." A wave of reactions rolls around us. E.J. isn't surprised, Marlena looks relieved, Dad looks afraid and Mom is still unreadable. There's a consensus of "That's good to hear!" The metal of the fork feels cold and harsh against my lips as it's stuck between my clenched teeth. They are so cautious now. It might be the beginning of respect or just prudence near a fragile vase, I can't say.  
  
We stay on the bed all afternoon. His touch heals me, his warmth makes me safe. He's reading the comics in a pile of newspaper Marlena has given us. His voice is light and sometimes he laughs before reaching the pun. The raindrops are drawing on the window's glass. I don't move, I don't talk much. I think of the future, of Sonny. Of the voyage our relationship will be, either long or short. Last night, I was inside him. I nearly fell apart, it was too good. I want him again but my body is lazy and my family is around the house. So, I lay in his arms, relaxing, as his arm tickles me whenever he picks up a new comic. "Sonny?" "Yes?" He sounds so gentle. I bathe in that tenderness, closing my eyes, listening to his heartbeat "I love you." The wings of his fingers caress my cheek "I love you so much, Will." There is no need to say anything more. The rains become more violent, tapping against the glass, but inside the house, inside the room, there's quiet and harmony. However bleak fighting with my parents turns to be, it is still worth it, just to be with Sonny.


	22. Chapter 22

We're leaving. Marlena is cleaning the kitchen, helped by my dad. Mom is packing upstairs with the kids. EJ is on the phone, barking at employees. I feel a mixture of quiet excitement and some sort of instantaneous nostalgia. Things will never feel like this again, the sweetness healing the pain, the despair and self-doubts becoming a surprising kindling for our love story. The fire is burning now, inside me, while the one in the chimney has been muffled until the next year. Will Sonny be there, then? Will the ecstasy be intact? He hasn't left my side, helping me collect my luggage, kissing my neck when no one is looking, making me feel alive.

 

* * *

 

I live in reality, safe in my sensibility and pragmatism. And yet my superstitious mind warns me not to lose his sight as if he could disappear in the ether, like a shadow. I have come to know him, I have felt him deep inside, but he remains a mystery, all his thoughts hiding in the elusive azure of his eyes. My arms wrap around his body, creating a haven that can't last. I'm clinging to the illusion that it can, that he'll be protected from his sadness if I watch him at all times. Truth is, now that he's better and I don't have to comfort him, now that he looks happier and free, I am terrified. Because this light that shines from him is beautiful and precious and so fragile and I want it to last, forever.

 

* * *

 

There's EJ and mom's car, filled with kids and mom's enormous luggage. There's Marlena's who's staying a little longer to check with the maid who'll keep the place in order till Easter. And there's Dad who's ill-at-ease around Sonny. He does try but I can almost see the sweat on his forehead. So who are we riding with?  
  
I ask Sonny and he looks thoughtful. Then he smiles, mischievous "We could go and board a train, or a plane... Or even ask my uncle Victor to send his helicopter..." I laugh but I don't want that. I need to feel close to someone in my family for a little while longer. With Sonny next to me, of course.

 

* * *

 

He's chosen Lucas. I like how he takes charge at times, unconsciously confident. And his father has gone a long way already. Plus, he's leaving soon, on a business trip so Will needs a little time with him. I decide to be quiet, ready to help matters if needed, but not be on a quest to win Lucas' approval.  
  
When we tell her, I spot a spark in Sami's eyes, something like deep regret. I don't think Will has seen it, he's looking halfway in my direction. But he's braver each time they talk. His tone is final and I see her stiffen. She must dislike orders and directions. He's so different from her, so reserved and I don't know yet what comes from his character and what comes from his parents' neglect. I want to be given his autobiography, or even have it downloaded in my brain, so that I understand and know how to act best.  
  
Instead I'll wait for him to slowly open up. And in the meantime I'll just love him.

 

* * *

 

I've been given control of what music we listen to during the drive. I guess it's dad's way of getting me to use the front seat. So I alternate, choosing meaningful, serene songs to fill the car with peacefulness, then at the next stop, sitting in the back and merging with Sonny, losing the sense of my body's limits as I cuddle in his arms. All through it I talk with Lucas. About school, about his work, about my sister. Our discussion flies above the deep muddy waters of our troubled relationship, barely brushing it with the wing of a remark, the dimple of a sharp tone, that he quickly corrects. Sonny is a silent guardian, smiling gently but correcting when we derail. I appreciate, I don't want this ride to be a confrontation, even a beneficial one. I want to part with dad on good terms, feel like his son again.  
  
I drive for a while too, when I see dad nodding on the wheel. And Sonny starts talking. About jet-lag and plane travel versus road trips. He's caught up on the lightness and lets pauses linger on. Dad falls asleep and I watch the road ahead, only visible for a few feet, and the dark behind, full of unknown and dangers. But I have to grow and drive on, become an adult somehow. I hope that Sonny stays.

 

* * *

 

They let me at my uncle's mansion. My mother is here, sleeping in her room. I'll ask for my arrival to be kept silent for the moment. Will kisses me for so long that I lose my footing. Then he leaves with his dad, the car's red lights getting smaller and dimmer. This is it, the threshold. Now I'm not his crutch anymore, I'm just his boyfriend. It's full of promises of laugh and pleasures. Yet it's also uncertain and fraught with precipices, like the ones in my memory, that lured him to the sea.  
  
I enter the silent, familiar house, dreaming of the day he'll come in with me, to two welcoming parents, maybe even for the longest run...


	23. Chapter 23

My father is quiet and careful. His apartment is a big empty shell with the few sounds we make echoing on the walls. I've slept in a bed that was too large, that felt deserted. This morning I'm a half-person. Is it what love is? Shouldn't I feel happy and content?  
  
Sonny rings the doorbell, comes in but I still feel dull. Am I broken? His fingers are soft on my face, recording anomalies, giving me a loan of serenity "You look so tired, Will. It was a long ride." He's right, of course. Dad tries "Maybe you should stay home and rest, Will. I'm sure Sonny can find other things to do. Didn't you talk about registering at college?" Lucas is on his territory here and he wants to be the one to protect me. Yet he wounded me and I don't trust him to really help.

 

* * *

 

Here he is, the heart kleptomaniac that I missed all night. I hoped for a lighthearted day but it's still far from my reach. He's still healing, bargaining for happiness with his wearied soul. I kiss his palm and his eyes lit up. "I need to get fresh air, dad. We're out for a walk."  
  
It's a cold walk, with an icy drizzle. We've left the sea now and its mild climate. It smells like distant snow. The mountains invade my memory, ruthless and exhilarating. I can't take him there, he's too fragile, too precious. My climbing dreams have been quenched, replaced by a need for softness and warmth, a cocoon made of love.  
  
Along the streets of our childhood, he takes me to his favorite places, his hiding spots. "I went there when my parents quarreled." It's a little woody area, with a river flowing under a very small bridge "They did a lot. At first I wanted them to live together, but things are easier when they're apart. EJ is tougher than mom. And he tends to be calm when angry. Dad's heart bleeds too much, too easily. Like mine."

 

* * *

 

His eyes are sad. For me, for my past. I wanted to share, to open up, but the good times are erased at the moment, lost in the misty shadow of my brain. I look around, with new eyes, at this town I know by heart.  
  
"My great-grand-mother owns a pub. You want to go there?" His grin is a breeze of kindness, warming me more than my winter coat. I take his hand in my glove and we walk on.  
  
Caroline carries happier memories. Just her wrinkled smile makes my heart stronger. "Grandma, this is Sonny, my..." I'm about to say 'friend', I want to say 'lover' but it's too daring. I don't want to hide or lie, though. Sonny finishes my introduction "...boyfriend. Nice to meet you, I'm Jackson Kiriakis, Justin's son." Caroline laughs "Of course, such a fine-looking young man. Will has good taste." And that's it.  
  
Sonny can't stay seated. He goes from photo to photo, searching for me and chuckling at how dorky I must look on them. He's allowed. I owe him my life, a thousand times. A century won't be enough to repay my debt to him.

 

* * *

 

I vaguely remember the place. I don't think my mother went here often. It's a place to eat simply and maybe grab a coffee. I like the atmosphere. I want to spend time here, with Will.  
  
When we've eaten, Will wants to pay. He's stubborn and so am I. But then, he looks down at the little wooden table and whispers "I need to do things for you, too." and I give in. It's not like I have lots of money. I am rich with travels and discoveries, with potential. My parents said they'll pay my tuition fee. Unless my mother changes her mind and asks me to go somewhere else. I should look for a job.

 

* * *

 

I want to touch Sonny, open the buttons to his many splendors, slide into him and touch the skies again. But none of us have private bedrooms. We have to pass Adrienne to get to his bed and my truce with Sami isn't stable enough to bring my man to her home. My desires are illegal but they don't go away.  
  
His knees and feet are playing with mine under the table but after an hour, he gets antsy "Why don't we go surprise my cousin Abby?" I smile "You know she's my cousin too?" His laugh is one of a child. I want him even more. The feel of his skin is imprinted on my chest.  
  
Strangers are frowning at us, some look away. Most don't care but I don't count them. Every time, I feel less human, less present. Sonny has a thick skin, he's used to it, he doesn't notice anymore. I'm not even out to my friends. My breath is shallow. Sonny makes me sit on the couch in the square.

 

* * *

 

He's new to this, innocent and fearful of the public opinion. In college, we'll meet other out people, to hang with. In the meantime, Abby's house will be a safe heaven. They all know I'm gay so they'll welcome him fully, just like Caroline did. Slowly, we'll build up a mountain of support to surround him with and shield him from the judging looks. Then I'll build, him a little abode of hope and laughs to inhabit.


	24. Chapter 24

Will lets go of my hand when we get to Abbi's house. Even in front of his aunt, he puts on a disguise. She doesn't know what happened at the sea, how he almost got lost in the darkness. But she welcomes him and his difference at least, just like she did when I came out to her, all those years ago.  
  
Abby is more persistent. I see the lines on her face, tracing a mask of worry "You look really shaken, Will. How badly did your parents react when you told them?" Will looks at me, then back at Abby "Can I have some time before I tell you more, cuz' ? I promise I will, just not tonight." She opens her stubborn mouth but she sees my eyes. I am still his rampart against the world, I will be until he doesn't need it anymore. I wonder if he'll want to keep me around, after that. My mouth feels like ashes at the thought.

 

* * *

 

It's been two days in Salem already. I'll be back in college soon. Sonny is reading the flier with all the classes he can take. I have to ask him but I don't know how.  
  
He looks up and grins. I feel lighter, ready to take over the world somehow.  
  
"Sonny?" "Yeah?" His voice is a blanket that wraps me up in softness. "Do you think I should change major, now that I am... out?" He laughs, then brushes my chin "Not unless you want to, Will. And I'll never tell you what you should too. You can be anyone you want, you'll always be amazing." My heart is slowing down. He asks "What do you want to do, by the way?" "I want to become a sound engineer. Or maybe work with musicians as a technician. That way, I'd hear music every day."

 

* * *

 

I'll take accounting and learn how to start a business. Then one day, I'll start a majestic coffee-house and patrons will flood it. It's still a myth for now, but I'm confident. I'll put lilies on the counter because Will's eyes shine when he sees those flowers and then he will bloom too.  
  
The future is ours.

 

* * *

 

We're standing on the cliff, looking down at the transparent water that was never a threat. I think about those sailors who disappeared into nowhere, mourned by their families, so long ago. I did sail over the sea of my hatred and fear but I didn't drown, I pulled through.  
  
His hand is warm in mind. I do an inventory of what I feel in this hold. There's tenderness, sensuality, comfort, but also concern and traces of worry. I look at him, standing too stiff, his eyes in the vague, one hidden behind his hair. It's too long now and I take the measure of how time has passed since that day, when I was in a deadly dalliance with fear and despair. The light of April caresses our forehead, dispelling the sad memories, freeing us.

 

* * *

 

I had kept this place in my head, when I saw him, when my life changed. I didn't bail, I took my little broken bird in with me and here he stands, tall and proud, facing the sea that once compelled him to jump.  
  
We are spending one night in Marlena's house, before starting a road trip for spring break. I want to put a memorial on this beach, something to show that life won against despair. We take the same path leading to the sand and I start collecting branches and shells. I beckon to him and we build a little shrine, like the cage he was in, before he broke out of it.  
  
His phone rings just as we've finished. It's Tyler, or maybe Dylan. They both duel over being his best friend. Both came unto him but he said he was with me so they didn't have a chance. I'm happy he has pals, to talk about computer stuff that I don't understand. When Will spends time with me, I know it's because he wants to.

 

* * *

 

In front of the fire, we build a cushion fort, to snuggle inside. I nest in his warmth, my hand on his chest. I feel at peace. The future is clear and bright, full of promises, full of Sonny. Dad calls him my guardian angel but it's not true. He's more than an angel, solid and warm under my hands. His eyes talk to mine when we're with others. I can guess some of his thoughts. He's what my soul needed. Mom still thinks it won't last but I'll prove her wrong.

 

* * *

 

We kiss until we're out of oxygen, until we disappear into the other. We make love like that first night, like every night. We always will.

 

**The End**


End file.
